My Path

2009-03-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

I wonder...what blind people feel when they are living in their world of darkness. Do they feel lonely? Like they are the only person left on earth? Not seeing the colours of the rainbow, the wonderful changing sky...I would sorely miss the array of colours of the world if I am blind. But I guess, if I am blind, the strongest feeling I would feel would be loneliness. The emptiness of nothing will just engulfed me, shaking my equilibrium.

But what if, I was born without sight? And suddenly, through some wondrous miracle, I am able to see! And will I think, how life can be so unfair. Only allowing me to see colours, moon, stars, sky...after like God only knows how long. Would I be damn upset? Or would I be overjoyed that I am finally able to see and start touring the whole world. Seeing everything there is to see under the sun and moon. If it was me, I think I would be damn upset at first. Asking questions like why? Then, I will finally be overjoyed at my new found sight.

But being blind and able to see is nothing like being blindfolded. And somehow, my blindfold slipped off. My world was perfect. I absolutely refused to see the ugliness. Somehow now, I see both worlds. The undercurrents of my perfect world. It is like looking at an ocean. A picturesque calmness. Everything is flowing perfectly but beneath this picturesque picture, the undercurrents churned.

Now that the blindfold had slipped off, I do not like what I see and yet, I know it is the reality of my world. The way I feel about things have start to change and to tell you the truth, I dont like feeling like this. All critical and sceptical. Have I been living in the land of the blindfolded for way too long? Does it make me a fool? Someone who is stupid for not knowing the truth?

Maybe...I have been blindfolded for too long...

2009-03-24T04:10:00.000-07:00

If you ask me who I would take my troubles to. I will tell you it is God. He is the best adviser and listener in the whole wide world! I talk to him like I would with a friend. I tell him how I feel about this and about that. I hear God's voice speaking to me in my heart. And why do people think that Christianity is a religion but it is not! It is a relationship with an awesome God!

Nothing you can do will make him love you more and nothing you have done will make him close the door.

I mean, no matter how many good deeds you have done will make God love you more cause he already love you so so much. He will not turn you away no matter what the bad things you have done. He will just welcome you into his arms again, saying 'I love you, my child!' That is who God is!

Everytime, I look up at the sky or when I stand beside the ocean I will always be awed! I will stand there flabbergasted as the sky is so vast and the ocean is so wide! I feel so small just standing under the sky and beside the ocean. I will think that I am such a tiny creature but why would a God love me so much to care for my everything? I mean, the universe is so wide! And we are so insignificant compared to the planets!

Looking at the sky, ocean, mountain, rivers, streams, I can only marvel at the greatness of my creator! Humans can never duplicate such majestic waterfalls like the Niagara Falls. The beauty is just shining through! And even the moon! Sure we have satellites but no satellite is like the moon that changes it shape in the sky always. Everytime I look at the moon, I feel that God is watching over me and that I have nothing to be afraid of cause I got an awesome God who just watches over me like I am precious to him.

I mean, why would a God so great watch over someone so insignificant like me? I have no leadership position in school, neither am I the top scorer of my school but God still choose to watch over me! So little insignificant ol me becomes significant in God's sight! God is my king and my father as well and if he is a king and my father, I tell you I am a princess. Then you ask me, where is my crown? I have a crown! I put it on every morning! Don't you see it?!

I don't find going to church a routine. I love going to church! I love worshipping an amazing God! I love singing at the top of my lungs, singing my heart out! Yes, I can worship at home too but in the company of fellow Christians, I feel God's presence among us. Touching out life with his amazing grace. Something so undeserved yet we receive because of God's grace. I'm not perfect. I have failed many times but God still loves me no matter what.

I don't have to be afraid of what my future holds cause God knows the plans he have for me. They are plans not to harm me but plans to give me a hope and a future!

Why do I believe there is a God? It is because of FAITH. I experience God's love in many ways! Like how he showed me a Father's love. I know I can always turn to him for help. I walk by faith and not by sight.

Just look at the rainbow! It is a promise from God that he will not destroy the Earth again by flood. Everytime a rainbow appear in the sky I will remember the promise and all the promises that God made in the Bible. Yeah, sure you'll say the rainbow is formed through the breaking up of white light by a drop of water. But dont you think it is amazing?! A single drop of water can break up light into the seven colours and many water droplets form a rainbow and what is even more amazing is that a rainbow always appear after the rain!

I will never get tired of just looking at the sky or the ocean or the mountain. Cause I can hear the crashing waves shouting God's name. The majestic sky speaks of his love and the strong mountain sings just how great God is! And I, will worship him cause he love me even though I am a sinner.

2009-03-17T04:41:00.000-07:00

A dream is a wish your heart makes....(quoted from Cinderella)

I got dreams and they may sound foolish but yeah, they are still dreams nevertheless.

1) I want to get married by the age of 25
2)I want to own a horse cause I love horses and I want to be able to ride my horse on the road.
3) I want to live in the country side with mountains in the background and I can see the stars and the moon so clearly and marvel at its roundness and brightness that lights up the dark dark sky.
4)I want a happy family where we live happily ever after just like Cinderella.
5) I want to drink crystal clear water from the river or lake.
6) I want to taste the goodness of God everyday and hear the waves shout his name as they crash upon the shore and hear the whisper of the morning dew praising God and letting my voice mingle and the wind will come and carry my song of praise towards heaven letting it be a sweet music in God's ear.

6 dreams so far....dont now if the list will become longer, but for now I am just content with my dreams.

2009-02-24T04:22:00.000-08:00

I want to thank God for EUNICE CHUA!!!

Cause she is so fun to tease and to be around with! I thank God that she is such an optimistic person also. And maybe just maybe we do have the same frequency. Hmm.....perhaps?

I want to thank God that she agreed to stay back with me in the canteen to fulfil my CCA duties. And I really had a fun time studying with her. And I ended up staying longer than I am required to stay cause she makes it so fun I dont want it to end! And she teach me how to do mathematics homework too! She save me from loneliness! Thank you so much EUNICE!!! I LOVE YOU!!! hahas!

I want to thank God that she understands as well. Like somehow we really connected as we talk and why oh why did I only start talking to her seriously this year?! I'm so happy to know her!

And another that happen today that made me happy is that my coach wasn't angry with me! I totally expected him to shout at me and scold me or something but when he saw me he was like waving his arm with a wide grin on his face and his glowing white teeth was showing! I mean I just expected a reprimand from him or something that will probably leave me in tears but I left school smiling and laughing with Eunice. And I only have God to thank for. I mean, it is a total miracle!

Why?

Cause looking at my coach's point of view, he has every so called right to scold me for not being his scorer and skipping training. I mean, as a coach, would you be angry with me? But he just joked with me calling me his girlfriend! Total Haha! Playfully scolding Eunice for stealing me away and Eunice was being a good spot. She just said, ' Where got? She choose to leave you for me! I didn't steal her!' And my coach when on to say that our love is inseparable and I was just a spectator laughing and watching as Eunice and my coach argue for my love. So funny lah!!! But but in the end, Eunice said she dont want me, leaving me heart broken. Haha!

My coach kindness is something that I do not deserve. I received undeserved favour from him which means Grace. I keep thanking God, telling Eunice that I am so happy. Another incident that God have come through for me. Telling me once again that I have his favour. I mean I prayed. God, God please dont let my coach be angry with me cause I know that I will just cry if he is. Amazing! God really treasure my tears too!

I mean I was overwhelmed with God's grace! That I really felt like crying. Something so undeserved yet I received!

2009-02-20T01:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is so hard to love your neighbour. In neighbours, I mean people around me. It could be my classmates and my family.

But I am still learning to love all the people who have wronged me. Sometimes, some people just hurt you too deeply that it takes a really long time loving them again. And it is even worse when it is the people you care about and your family.

I really sang with all my heart, the song 'Change my heart O God'. I was rather upset over some issues and I just didn't want to be nice. I wanted to forgive but I cant forget and that is the same as not forgiving.

Fervently, I asked God to renew my heart. Let the blood that flowed from his heart into my heart cleaning it once again. A heart that follows heart after him. I want a heart that loves like how Jesus love me. I want his unconditional love. I want to see the people who have made me upset in a new light and love them once again. I want to love with all my heart.

Ardently, I sang. That was last Sunday. I am able to forgive as I laid all my burdens at the foot of the cross. Going to school, I felt happier and well, more relax! Sure, the week wasn't a breeze the whole way. There were still things that happen that I wonder again. And I keep asking Jesus how is it that he can stand forgiving and forgiving, loving and loving yet the people ignore him or just mock him. How did Jesus find so much love in him to forgive the people that put a crown of thorns on his head? I just dont understand this love at all. In my fury, I asked whether he was stupid to keep loving this people. Haha. Imagine me calling God stupid. In my anger, I uttered foolish words.

I want to love my neighbours and even people whom I dont like. If Jesus can do it, so can I! Amazingly, my ability to love have been tested over and over again. But with God's help I know I can do it. I can love the unlovable! Jesus is my role model! :)

2009-02-13T02:38:00.000-08:00

I want to change and I will change. Things just happen to make me realise I have been really stupid. It is like I have been blindfolded all this while and only now did the blindfold came loose. Situations just happen to make me rethink.

My brother asked me before. Why do I work so hard to please people? Why do I even bother if they probably wont even remember and just take advantage of me. My reply used to be, cause I believe that if I am nice to someone, that person will be nice to me and even if that person dont remember, I am still happy bringing cheer to someone else's life.
And my brother would say that I am too naive and ignorant. I will just shrugged my shoulders and choose not to believe him.

Now, I began to question myself. Why be nice to these people who are only going to step all over me and play with my feelings? Why is it that I always try to please them and make them happy? Do they even care about my happiness? Why am I such a stupid girl who allow people to take advantage of me just because I am naive and ignorant. Why did the blindfold just slipped off only now?

All these questions coursed through my mind. Leaving my heart in shatters. Do these people that I care about care about me? Do they even know who I really am? I think not.

And I blame myself for being such an easy to please girl. For being such a stupid stupid girl. As the day passes, I only get more hurt. Maybe, if I was thick-skinned, maybe then I wouldn't care and maybe at the same time I would not be so stupid. I would have a brain of my own and think for myself. If I was thick-skinned and I hurt you, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't even bat an eyelid! But I am not. I am not a robot. I have feelings and it hurts to be feeling all these feelings. Why do I have to be soo freaking sensitive? So freaking weak?

I feel so hurt. So weak and numb. It is like I am moving through liquid, breathing in water, and drowning.

Have I been stupid?

2009-02-12T05:47:00.000-08:00

I guess it is really the situations in our lives that make us who we are today. For better or for worse, people change. That is inevitable. Our views began to change. Everything around us change. I believe I have change as well.

Most probably the situations in my life that make me change. Consciously or unconsciously I change from since I was in primary school and sometimes it makes me miss the old me. The little girl I used to be. I always complain about change.

I remember how my life was back then and how my life is now. Making comparisons between the past and the present. Somehow, the past was much more peaceful. Much happier if you ask me. Was on facebook just now and my cousin uploaded past photos when we were much younger as we played together at the beach. I feel nostalgic looking at all the photos. It is like the whole world was my playground and I remember the picnics at the beach. Simply and common activities but they bring back such fond memories of my past. Somehow, it is also refreshing to know that in the past I looked so much different. I mean, it would be weird if I looked the same, past and present.

My attitude towards life has change, things I used to thought were fun is fun no longer. Sometimes, I wish things would not change. Hoping that it will forever stay the same. But that was not to be. Yet, there are somethings that have not change like I still live in the same house as I did when I was younger and I dont want to move as this place holds childhood memories that I treasure.

If you ask me, which part of my house is the place where holds the most memories for me it would be the garden.
Why?
Cause I remember I used to play in the garden the most. Spreading out a mat, pretending to have a picnic or just pretending that I am a garden fairy, plucking the flowers in the garden and trying unsuccessfully to put them on my hair. Or just lying down on the mat and looking up at the vast sky. Those are memories that I would not trade for anything in the world! Gold and riches can never measure up as money can never buy happiness and I choose my happiness over money.

Now, my childhood garden look so forlorn. The flowers dont grow, the trees die just a sapling, the stump of an old tree is left, fence block the happy times where I just talk with my old neighbour about her dogs and she would happily chat with me. Where did all of them go?

Why did all these have to change? Sometimes I wish there was a never never land but that is in dreams. Goodbye.

2009-02-11T23:08:00.000-08:00

What is a relationship to you? I dont only mean the boy-girl kind of relationship but also friendship and relationship with people around you.

What is the most essential thing that a relationship must have for it to flourish?

To me, it is trust.

When there is no trust, somehow on another, a relationship crumbles easily. Communication is important as well. To express each others thoughts and feelings.

Now that I am 16, I think about it more often. Not that I dont think about it when I was younger but now I feel like I know why a relationship is important to me.

Relationship takes time to grow. It is like a young plant. One needs to nurture it to make sure it grows strong and healthy. And it takes time for this young plant to grow into a tree. Sometimes, I find myself asking whether this person is important to me that I am willing to sacrifice my time for this person. Cause all of us has the same amount of time everyday. Time, to me is more important than money. Money can be earned back but not time.

Now, back to trust.

Can you say that this person is untrustworthy when you yourself have never tried trusting this person?

I dont think so. You have never tried trusting this person and dubbed that person untrustworthy? Isn't that unfair to that person?
Yes, trust is to be earned. But can one earned it when he himself have never been trusted?

In a relationship, it is a 2 way thing. Like how it takes 2 hands to clap. Relationship cant be one-sided. I dont think that is having a relationship. It is called idol and fan.

To me relationship is this simple. Trusting each other and taking note of the other persons likes and dislikes. It doesn't have to be so complicated.

Friendship is a relationship that is very close to my heart. Having friends is like finding an unpolished stone. Where you first have to take away all the unwanted material and polish it until shines and the precious stone is revealed beneath all the grime and dirt. However, the process of polishing is painful. Like how iron sharpens iron and so does one man sharpens the other. Time is needed to polish this precious stone. However, there are times where you thought that a piece of rock is a precious stone and you polish it only to uncover that it is only a piece of rock and nothing more. After awhile, our eyes become trained to searched for the precious stone. Just like jade. This certain rock may look like the real jade but after polishing it much, it turns out to be either serpentine or jasper. Stones that look like jade but not jade. And I totally agree that one true friend is worth more than gold or silver.

Why do I think communication is important?

Cause, if one dont communicate their feelings to their friends, how is your friends suppose to know? They are not mind readers. Sweeping things under the carpet is not good. It lightens burdens.

Any sorrow or unhappiness shouldn't be kept in your heart, share, afterall, friends can share the burdens. Friends multiply sorrow, divides sadness, adds meaning and value to your life and minuses the bad things that happens!

2009-02-01T03:39:00.000-08:00

I WANT TO SCREAM!!!

WHY MUST SHE BE LIKE THAT?!!

IS HER PLANT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PEACE?!!

STOP IT ALREADY!!!

I'M EMBARRASSED ENOUGH!!!

ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH!!!

2009-01-24T01:05:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BELOVED BROTHER!!!

I LOVE YOU ALOT ALOT!!! 　あなたをあいしてる！！！

I will miss him when he goes to army in April. I'm so glad that he was born before me!

I used to wish that I was the first born instead of him when I was younger cause he keep bullying me and make me cry. I still remember all the scary things like telling me that the fan will drop from the ceiling and slice me into pieces. Causing me many sleepless nights and frantic prayings. My brother was the evil guy, the villain when I was younger.

Now, He is the best brother in the whole entire world cause I only have one brother! LOL!

I remember all the games we used to play when we were younger like 'shooting' taking the badminton racket as a gun and pretend to shoot each other. It was fun playing all this boyish games. And another game like tiger and hunter. It is so fun having an older brother.

I remember there was once he put a mattress on top of me and sat on the mattress. He was super heavy and I started crying. My grandfather came out of the room with a cane and started caning my brother. I feel so sorry for my brother but it was me who cried so I guess I kind of indirectly cause his caning. Haha. But my brother was very nice, he never blame me for his caning.

Another thing I am so glad he is my older brother is because he teach me how to fight. He taught me that if a guy grab me in a certain way, I just hit this part and I will be free!!! I have such a cool brother. Except there were times he tried his tricks on me and I was really furious. Even now I like to play fight with him but seldom now. I will try to hit his vital spots but he always manage to block and I only hit his bone which is so painful!!!

My brother is my model!!!

I'm glad he is the oldest cause he go through everything first hand like being caned the first and taking physics and chemistry first so he can teach me!!! My brother exist for the very reason to teach me!!! Haha! Kidding!

I love my brother cause he is very patient. (not in teaching me though) He will listen to my complains and give me advice on a certain situation. And I just feel comforted. Because it is like my brother understands and he teaches me how I should react to certain situations. My brother is really good at listening and just recently, I told him I want to improve my English and he took out his lit book and told me that it will help me in my comprehension. I love him for that!

He is also the reason for my addiction to anime and all things Japanese!!!

Recently he introduce me to a Japanese song which has the chorus which goes,

......teenage days, kiss my ass and say goodbye.....

so sad that my brother is going to be an adult already but he will always be my older brother!!!

Most of all I love my brother is because he is my friend!!!

2009-01-15T21:53:00.000-08:00

I was reading a book in class and my friends asked me what I was reading and I replied, How to be cool. You can literally see their mouths hanging open. And I immediately knew thaty they thought that I was reading a self help book.

I'm soo desperate I need how to be cool! Help me!!! Yea, right!

I quickly explain that it is just a storybook. They still looked at me sceptically. It is just a title of the book that so happens to sound like a self help book. My friend asked me why in the world do I need to know how to be cool?! I was like, I'm already cool and he goes, yea right! How mean! He hurt my fragile heart! Not.

I'm cool believe me or not. I don't think coolness is how people view me as but rather as how I view myself. Being cool is the confidence of knowing that I am who I am and loving myself everyday. (No, I did not get it from a self help book) Like my teacher say, Look at yourself in the mirror everyday and smile at yourself and the rest of the day will be perfect!
And I add, to myself I will say that I am looking pretty!!! (I can hear the coughs, need me to thump you on the back?) I have a friends motto which is ' I love me, myself and I!' I know it sounds so thick-skinned but sometimes we need encouragement and there are things in life that really just put you down and I do feel lousy at times. I admit I do feel so inferior among my friends, so small and inadequate.

There are times I totally have no confidence in myself. Sometimes I feel so fat I feel like a pig. There are days when I feel so ugly with myself and I also feel self concious. I'm super scared of how people or my friends perceive me. I'm a total coward. I'm so busy checking myself on how I look that the world past me by. All this is totally uncool. I am trying to please people though it is not a bad thing but I became obsessed that I try to change me. I become someone I am not just trying to fit in. I hate myself then. I look in the mirror and I saw someone so stupid, a coward, a fake. I'm as timid as a mouse.

There is a verse in the bible:
Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. -Luke 12:27

If God can make lilies of the field beautiful and they dont have to work to be pretty and yet they can stand so prettily in the fields why cant I? I dont have to be the cowardly shy stupid mouse. I will be the brave strong courageous lion. Loving myself everyday! Afterall, if I cant even love myself who then can love me? I know God will still love me but will the people around me love me?

I'm sure you heard of the sentence, True beauty on the inside not the outside but I also believe outer appearance is also important! So I try to dress prettily whenever I go church or out with my friends cause clothes can give me confidence as well only if I dare to wear those clothes.

I love who I am!!!

2009-01-10T05:23:00.000-08:00

I'm so irritated with my sister that I feel like strangling her!!!

Argh!

She has absolutely no sense of responsibility! I don't like her nonchalant attitude with her 'I freaking dont care!' face! I feel like wiping off that smug face of hers and wash her mouth with detergent! What's up with her vulgar words? Whenever she is not happy, 'kanasai!' will come out from her mouth.

Ask her to do something properly and first word out her mouth is,'cannot' or 'No'. I want to scream and yell at her but I know it is no use. The word will go in one ear out the other.

I need patience! Lots and lots of patience to due with my sister. I know she is sec 1 now but she is still my younger sister! How is it that she can be so uncooperative?!

How is it that she can be soo proud?! So annoying!!

Dear God, I know this is the year where I have to love my neighbour and my neighbour includes my younger sister. Please Lord, give me the patience. Help me to love my younger sister. I cant do this alone. Give me the strength and whenever I feel like strangling my younger sister, help me to see her good points instead and love her for who she is. In Jesus name, amen.

2009-01-02T05:02:00.000-08:00

My mother in the night tell us to tell her our goals for the year 2009 yesterday. And I was like sian! Do I have to?! I seriously dont like to tell her anything. Maybe that is why our relationship is very shaky. I remember my brother said that for any relationship to continue, we must share our feelings.

I asked my mother to share first instead. And she says that she want us to pray for her that she will have the patience and tolerance. Self-control. Basically the fruit of the spirit.

She says she is not happy with the way our lives are progressing. She doing her own things and we doing our own things. So little time together. She always say I am a stranger in my own home and she is exactly right. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Cause a family needs warmth and love. Not tension and fights everyday. The house will collapse.

My mum says she wants to be a better mother to us and she knows that sometimes she set a bad example. Okay. I admit I was moved to tears. But my pride would not let her see that I was crying. She says she is sorry and that she wants to make a new start with us. Afterall, isn't the new year the start of new beginnings?

I cant say that I have been a perfect daughter but people can change right? So I will try my best to be nicer to my mum and perhaps be willing to help with the house work if time permits me. Jiayou to me and my mum and our relationship!!!

2009-01-02T04:40:00.000-08:00

I had a fun time at the countdown party on the 31/12/2008. Dress theme was Occupation. And guess what my cell group and I dress up as?

STUDENTS of course!!!

Everyone of us wore our school uniform to the countdown party at church. It was great fun!! And before going to the countdown. Had steamboat dinner at Evan's house! That part was fun too! Arrive at Evan's house and I saw a blue creature outside and I was wondering what in the world is that thing doing over there?

Later on I learned that Velda's friend and another of our friend who went grocery shopping with Evan picked it up at the supermarket and the christened it PONYA!!! What kind of name is that?! And when I asked, this guy Jim, asked me instead why my voice so high. I'm like huh? What's wrong with my voice? I am not offended. I am just surprised!

Ohoh! Want to know what kind of creature is PONYA?

It is a blue goat. How amazing is that?

Jim brought PONYA to church and after awhile he was begging all of us to carry it for him cause he suddenly very shy to be caught carrying PONYA! LOL! So funny!

The countdown at church was great. I like singing the worshipped songs! I jumped till my feet hurt!

Ohoh! And Velda brought an extra school uniform for Evan and she wore it!!! LOL! First time I see her in school uniform! My last surprise for 2008.

Came home at 1 plus and the next thing I knew, it was 2009!!!! Happy New Year!!!

2008-12-30T07:07:00.000-08:00

Was at Audie's house for most of the day yesterday. 29/12/2008. So long haven see her and Sam le! Miss them loads man!

I absolutely cannot believe this!!! I used to be taller than both of them and now they are both taller than me!!! This is so not fair! God! Please make me taller!

I had so much fun yesterday at Audie's house! (she is gonna kill me when she sees this) I absolutely love both their presents! Audrey gave me a friendship bracelet and she was quite embarrass saying that it does not cost much. Who cares how much that friendship bracelet cost. Her friendship is worth more than gold to me! I really really like her friendship bracelet. Heart's truth. Sam(SF Samantha) gave me a journal. I like it alot as well cause it has a rainbow on the cover and I really loves rainbows! Oh! And there were scripture verses at the bottom of every page! I'm so going to use it to pen down all my thoughts and feelings! Thanks you guys! Love you guys lots! :*

I cant believe Audrey has a roller blade for one whole year and she doesn't even know how to roller blade but it is also kinda like me who has a guitar for a whole year but dont know how to play a single song. Me and Sam teach Audrey how to roller blade and she actually learnt quite fast!!! Way to go Audie!!! While Audrey was roller blading I was chasing Sam around and she was running away from me cause I was being crazy. Audrey look at us like two mad woman.

Oh! I was trying to be fierce. But guess the outcome.
Not successful! So sad right?!
Then Audrey and Sam bully me! Audrey pretend to be angry with me and I thought she really was angry with me cause she looked so fierce. Then later on I realised that she was just pretending! How evil can they get?! Ohoh! And I ate something that was like ice cream but not ice cream. Like ice kachang but not ice kachang! Sooo yummy!!! I want to eat it again!!!

Audrey thought I didn't know what a X box is. I'm not that dumb! We played guitar heros 2! I'm super bad at it!. I can only manage the 3 keys but the four keys is hard and I get confused! But I still enjoy myself playing it! It was really fun!

And then, dont know why Audrey suddenly crazy. Want to put on make up! And I was her experiment! The end product and I look like a freaking doll!!! Pink eyeshadow, pink blusher, pink lipstick and my hair was braided on both sides! Pictures are in Sam's camera. Actually it is not too bad lah! But I still looked like a doll and when I came back home my sister was like OMG! You look like a doll! All thanks to my make up artist Audrey Kang!!!! So sad she dont have eyeliner. Sam and I thought of buying for Audrey eyeliner and she was like No Way! I dont care! I will get her one for her birthday!

Actually, we didn't really do anything much but somehow I really enjoyed myself! Then me and Sam start posing for pictures. Audrey took Sam's sun glasses and she looked really nice with it. This two people are my closest primary school friends in the world! You give me a hundred million dollars to not be friends with them, I'll tell you to take that money and stuff it into your face!

My prayer: Dear God,
Make me taller. So I wont be so short. In Jesus name, Amen.

2008-12-28T05:28:00.000-08:00

So fast and it is almost the end of the year. I'm looking forward to next year! I really am! But I also dont want this year to end! But I cant have two things at the same time. Like the saying dont bite off more than I can chew. I just have to let go of this year and expect a happier tomorrow!

2008-12-26T02:55:00.000-08:00

When ice skating today! I know I am going round and round in circles but it is fun! It is fun to just glide on the ice. Going faster and faster! The exhilaration! The rushing of the wind in your ear...

Oh, my younger cousin is like so pro! He dare to jump and try spinning on the ice. I dont dare to jump with the skates cause I'm afraid I might fall. And I can hear my dad saying, ' If you dont step out of your fear you will never learn anything new.' (or something like that)

But I tried spinning around like those professional skaters that were skating there too. They twirl beautifully. Not like my clumsy spinning around in circle.

I dont know how I managed it but when I saw my cousin jumping and spinning I suddenly lost my balance and fell hard on the ice. So embarrassing! Falling down while standing still. Half my body went numb for awhile. But my sister did an even more embarrassing thing then me. Skating too fast and crashing into my cousin and he tried to stop her from crashing into him and erm...wont say anything else.

But it was really fun to be with them cause they are really fun and I really think my sec 1 cousin is good at many things and he thought that I was only one year older than him. How I wish. I haven seen them for a really long time actually if you count one year as long.

I guess it is sad when you are not close to your cousins cause I have alot of cousins. But I dont know all of them. Even my cousin who is in the same school as me. I didn't even talk to her yesterday. I remember when we were younger, I was much closer to her than any other cousins but now, I guess people just change.

Today, I was just thinking about my cell group. And we are not all that close. I dont feel the closeness. I dont know about the others but I just feel that we are mini groups in a group just like there are cliques in a class. I dont really know all of them well though we know each other for more than 3 years. I accept the fact that we are closer to one person than the other. There is nothing wrong, it is just that I realised that I dont really know all of them that well. I dont know their preference and all of us are just so different. It is just like we see each other on Sundays and after that is bye, see you next week. I ignored it at first but after awhile it gets infuriating. Why aren't we close at all just like a real family? I prayed and asked God to make all of us closer. Help me to understand when I dont understand. To have the patience cause we all come from different background with different point of view. And I wonder, why is it so much easier to be with your school friends then to be a family? I dont know if the rest thinks the same but this is how I feel.

Dear God, I pray that you will be the cord that binds us together. In Jesus name, Amen.

I also thought of our cell leader, Evan. Cause I think she is wonderful. I know many times we have done things to hurt her, to test her patience but she did not give up on us. I dont know how many times she wanted to quit but you know what? She continued to be our leader, to teach us the word of God. Dont know how many times she was discouraged but she still find the strength to encourage all of us. She takes lift to do things with us like the BBQ we just had recently. I really think she have alot of patience. She is just like my Purah when he encourages Gideon. Not anything in the eyes of the world but plays a big part in my world. Cause she encourages me with God's word. One thing she did recently that really touched me was when I told her about my netball try outs she called me on the phone and prayed for me. I just thought that nobody would care about this and I really didn't believe in myself, she called and she prayed and I cried though I dont let her know it cause it is rather embarrassing. I just really thank God for her.

And also I thank God for my mother. I fight with her alot and I mean it is like almost everyday. Even my brother say that he cannot get by one day without me and my mother fighting. I really just cant stand her asking me stupid questions like who am I going out with. I find it very irritating. I know she is just concern for me. It is my fault, so I just have to change my mind set. Whenever we fight, she always say that I only remember the bad things she have done. But I beg to differ. I try not to remember the bad things she have done. I dont know why every time my mother and I fight I would end up crying. Every time, we fight, I believe I hate my mother. I accuse her of not understanding me but neither do I understand her. Our most recent fight was on Christmas eve. She scolded me that as a girl I should help out in the house work and not laze around and she started recounting her past on how as a child she had a hard life. Then I will argue back and say she is living in the past. Then she will say, any normal daughter would help her mother when she sees her mother doing the housework. Then I would retort and say I am not any normal daughter. And we will continue arguing and then she will say stuff that really just pull at my heart strings and I cry. We were actually suppose to do Christmas shopping. But after our quarrel, I was so mad that I refuse to go out with her. So she left. Then after awhile, she sms my sister saying that she was sorry and asked whether or not we would still like to go out with her. I was surprised! The very first time she said sorry. Of course I forgive her and I will forget everything that happen above.

I really thank God for my mum lar. She may be the most infuriating person in the world but she does try hard to be better. Like how I notice she will cook my favourite food and she would try to soften her tone when asking me to do something. And though she fails at times and we get into a heated dispute, she will still ask me later on, Do I love her. Of course I would be shy lar! So I would be like Ya la! Then she would like see lar! This kind of girl! But she didn't say it meanly. And we would be okay and friends again. You know, I think that as we fight, we only grow stronger together and try hard to understand each other. Instead of keeping it inside, I'm glad I unleash my anger.

Oh yah! My dad said that I remind him of my aunty Linda. I asked how so but he didn't reply. I guess it is a good thing cause I like my aunty!

2008-12-25T03:57:00.000-08:00

When for breakfast with my dad this morning and he give me one of his eggs!!! So happy! I love to eat chicken eggs! Actually, I ordered fried carrot cake but I want egg also!

Then after that, when to my aunty's house for Christmas lunch! And played at the playground with my younger cousins. We played poison ball and we were like running around. I feel like a kid again. I can hear the 'How old are you ar?' But if growing up means being boring then I dont want to grow up.

Oh and I learned how to play 'bridge'! But I also still dont really get it. Does that still count as I have learned it? I know enough to play a decent game but I dont fully understand.

Met Rocky again! We played game of life as well. I like that game! Ohoh! At the playground we also played blind man! The rest of my cousins who are around the same age as me just sat around with the adults and listen to them chat. Soo boring!!! Anyway I also not close to them but closer to my younger cousins who are sec 1 and P5 and sadly no girls.

Tomorrow I may be going ice skating with them again! Cant wait! I wanna go ice skating! The last time I went ice skating was like last year! Hope that they can come and and! Sam is actually back in Singapore!!! Yeah!! We are going cycling next Monday! My holiday isn't boring at all but so filled with activities. Even netball is fun! So sad it is going to end soon but I also cant wait for next year and the same time I can wait for next year. Mixed feelings.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE WORLD!!! (if you can hear me)

2008-12-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!! Woohooo!!!

I cant wait for night time! Where the magic is the strongest and why is it raining on Christmas eve?

Ohoh! I know! So it will be cold just like a Christmas day!!! Except it is not snowing but raining and you cant build a snowman with rain unless it will be called rain man but that would actually be very lame!!! Hey! It rhymes! I'm good!!

When to Aaron's house-warming yesterday. His house is soo nice! So warmy! And the doggy is soo big and soft and cute!! I just love dogs with floppy ears! The dog tried to jump on me many times and times and I was actually quite scared though I know that it was only playing. But it was still scary!!! Imagine that it is only a baby but it is so huge! The dog is also quite a pervert. It tried to go under my leg! Lucky Aaron's mum was there to save me. If I grow up and have a big house I want to keep a big huggable dog! Small dogs not nice to cuddle only big dogs.

Oh, actually the truth question I asked everyone is actually something my dad asked me. I have no idea what is my Christmas wish. All I want to wish for cant be bought with money. I could wish for world peace but I'm not that noble though world peace would be good. All Christmas I only have one wish but I wont say it cause it will spoil the magic. No lah. I just feel so stupid saying it out loud.

Today, dad called and asked what I want for Christmas. What do I want? I dont know leh.
A camera.
Go on a holiday.
Study overseas.
My own room....
I dont know leh. Help me think.

Anyway, going shopping with my mother today so I can see if there is anything that I want.
Sigh, why is choosing a Christmas gift so hard?

Let me wish all you guys a very Happy Merry Christmas!!!

2008-12-16T04:16:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!

Ain't anyone happy?

I am!! Kinda anyway.

Christmas is the most happy time of the year cause got alot of presents!!! Then you hear Christmas carols and just get into the jolly good mood. Christmas is the best holiday of the year!!! The time of the year when I feel so loved!!!

It is like you can feel the love vibes swirling all around you. Okay, I'm exaggerating. But really, it is like a beginning and an end cause Christmas somehow signifies the end of the year and the start of the new year. Resolutions are made, pretty ribbons on presents, colourful wrappers! The warmness of a fire place....no, wait...no fire place in Singapore. The warmness in our hearts then as we wish our friends a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

And then....

HO! HO! HO!

the ringing of sleigh bells...a reindeer with a red nose...music just feels the night on Christmas eve and magic is in the air!!! Wonderful, sweet, blessed magic!

The taste of the peppermint candy cane as you roll it around on your tongue...yum! Christmas tree! Christmas lights! Bright shining star in the sky. The very day to just shine and go ice skating!!! I WANT TO GO ICE SKATING!!!

Hear the sweet music from the gleaming flute calming the night air on a blessed day...only one rule is made....REJOICE!

2008-12-14T01:06:00.000-08:00

I'M BACCKK!!! I KNOW YOU MISS ME CAUSE I MISS YOU!!! :D

Well, I must say that I learnt alot alot from this camp. And if you can take time off to read, feel free. After all, this is a free world!

First day of camp, reach there half and hour early. Ah well, it is good to be early! After that, got to know who my team members are. Two are from my cell group and the rest are people I see in church but dont know. We are an all girls team unlike the rest which is mix but that is okay. Girls rule after all!!! One girl is sec 1 and she is really funny. She said 'HIIIIII....' when she was first introduced to me. She is super cute as well, atleast small and cute. Sometimes I dont understand what she is saying but that is okay, I have come to like her. Our team must be the second smallest cause there were only 7 of us. So we played the first game and the concept of it was like monopoly. Except that the board was the whole area we were camped at. So we are suppose to like conquer lands and earn alot of money.

Guess what. In the end of the game, my team has $0! Aren't you proud of us?! We actually bought a land and in the end when we got the ' chance' It say an earthquake happened and our building was destroyed!!! We were like ' NOOOO!!! This cant happen to us!' And that plot of land was our only land. Since we were the losers, we had to do a punishment and that was to clean the canteen after lunch the next day. The sec 1 girl whose name is Wai teng, she was really positive. She was like, ' I love to clean up!!!' I like her optimism. So after lunch, I actually had fun cleaning the tables!! Believe it or not. We had to like tie up the rubbish and it was a disgusting thing to do. But still we had to do it whether we like it or not. Then came wiping the tables. The first clothes we use is to clean up the mess people left on their tables. It was quite gross, I had to like touch the rice left over. I know it is just rice but...still...anyway, the next cloth had soap on it and after I wipe the table my friend cleaned it with soap after me. After the soapy cloth comes the cloth that is just rinse with water to wipe away the soap.

So this other friend of mine, was the one with the water cloth. While we were doing, she suddenly shouted, "Faster!!!" And so we rushed through all the tables! I dont know why but it was actually very fun!! We received encouragement from another team as well so that is good. But!! No gentlemen came up to render their service!!! I think we need to teach them how to be gentlemen's!! lol

You know, actually, when I heard we had to do the cleaning up I was like 'Hah....why our team so sway' But I learnt from it. I learnt that if you make something that you dont like to do and make it fun, it is really fun!!!

After the games on the first day and after dinner and bathing, we had worship. I really enjoy worship cause it is like you can hear everyone singing and it just gives you a warm feeling. After that, one of our pastors, pastor William, what he talked about really touched my heart. He said that it is okay to be confuse. To not know which direction to turn. Just trust in God and lean not on your own understanding cause God will guide you and make your path straight. And one leader actually shared the story of her life. She was at the crossroads of life, and she was just so confused, so lost. But you know what, God is Good, he showed her the next steps through ways like an advertising poster! Imagine that!

Pastor was telling us a story from the bible about a man and I have heard and read the story before but yet once again, the story seem different from the last I read it. Actually it is not a story, I believe it actually happened. It is about this nation who is always being attacked by other countries and God allowed it to happen cause they were sinning against him as they were worshipping other Gods. But after being attacked for a long time, they finally ask God to save them from their enemies. And God chose this man Gideon to save them. An angel came to Gideon and told him God's plans but he was uncertain and asked God to make the wool that he will place on the floor wet with dew but the surrounding floor is dry and the next morning, it happened just as Gideon ask. But Gideon still was unsure so he asked God to make the wool dry and the surrounding floor wet with dew. The next morning, it happened just as he asked. And finally he believed.

Another thing pastor said that really reach deep into my heart was that he said, " God can use me no matter how small or weak I am. God can use anyone. God use people just the way they are and that you should not look down on yourself just because you are a nobody. As a child of God, you are not a nobody! You are princes and princesses of God!"

I tell you. I felt my heart melting right there and then. Many a times, I really felt like a nobody. I felt the lease in my family, even among my friends. Everytime I compare my results with my friends and I am like, why am I so stupid? Why am I so dumb. I just feel so depressed like an idiot. And I felt like I dont truely belong anywhere cause I dont fit in cause I am a nobody. But you know what. I am not a nobody! I am a princess!!! How dare I look down on myself?! I am a child of God!!

Just like Gideon, he was also the least in the family in the smallest clan, but God used him to save his nation!!! If God can use him, then why cant he use me?

Gideon too had a servant who is named Purah. He is a servant yet he plays an important role. To be Gideon's motivator and supporter. Gideon was afraid to spy on the enemy camp alone so God told him to bring his servant along.

That is why I do thank God for my friend Aaron cause he is quite optimistic. Cause he always seems to be happy and he just encourages me with his enthusiasm. Not only him but my other friends have encourage me as well in their own way. All this are small little acts but I remember them. I believe myself optimistic as well but it get tiring when no one is encouraging you. And I asked my dad this question before. Who motivates the motivator? But my Dad gave me a crap answer while I was being serious. Hmph! Now I know, it is the people around you. Just like Purah going together with Gideon to the enemy camp. Your friends and your family and of course, my brothers and sisters in Christ

On the second day, we are suppose to build a structure from the ice cream sticks we collected from yesterdays game. We were building a nice little house and we were almost done when we so just happen to hit a wrong 'chance' button and our house was swept away in a hurricane. Cause the chance said that we were struck by a hurricane and we have to move to another team to continue on their structure.

Imagine the horror on my team mates and my face. I tell you, we really put in alot of effort to build that house. Our heart was practically on the house and to be told that your heart is to be taken away, would you not feel the pain? I wanted to cry for our ice cream stick house! But we really have no choice. Just our luck.

So we have to start on another foreign structure but God is good. The foreign structure was similar in a way cause it was also a house but it is only just smaller and shabbier and it was placed on top of a bowl.

We made the smaller house look prettier and the house was place on the bowl to indicate that a house built on a rock can never be blown away by storms just like our previous house. It also says in the bible that a house built on rock will not be shaken but a house built on sand is easily blown away.

The end results was okay. And we actually got the best team work prize. We were all shocked. I mean, we didn't expect to win anything but you know what, God is Good!!!

I learn alot from this game. Life is just like that isn't it. You put in all your effort and heart into something and just a press of a button and everything is blown away. All our hopes and dreams are destroyed. But that was because we built our house on sand. We put our hope on sand where the wind and rain and waves can just wash them away. But if it is on a rock, like our second house which was not taken away from us, our hope is rock solid, no matter how the storms of life like waves just crash at us, we will not be shaken. And my hope is not on material things, I put my hope in God. He is my rock, my shelter, my strong tower. And if you ask me, how can I smile when my world is falling apart. I'll tell you, cause I have hope and hope is the anchor of our soul. My hope is in the Lord. I see the light at the end of the tunnel only the tunnel is very long but there is light and when there is light, there can be no darkness.

Oh! I have not introduce you to my camp counsellor. They are Anthea and Gracia. Anthea is really sweet. She really give helpful insights when I open up and share with her. Gracia, she is just fun! She has a wicked sense of humour and she is so nice to hug and she reminds me of my friend Gracia also!! Are all Gracia's so lovable?

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me through this very long post. So I am going to say a prayer for you!

Dear lord Jesus, thank you for my friend who read this post. I pray that you will bless him/her and let them know that they can always call on you for help and that you keep them strong and healthy, in Jesus name, Amen!

2008-12-11T01:02:00.000-08:00

Argh!!! What's wrong with my stupid nose?! It keeps running away! Must be the boy I sat beside tuition today. He was sniffling and then I too start sniffling and now my nose is running!!! I want to cut off my nose!!!

Dont know why I suddenly wanted to listen to Boa. Must be because my sister keep singing Every Heart off key. Her songs are okay but after listening to it for a long time it gets super sian. My favourite songs of hers are:
1. Winter Love
2. Every Heart
3. Key of Heart
4. candle light
5. Brand new beat

Oh. My dad msg me this question and ask me to think about it.

Should the strong and mighty give way to the small and weak or should the small and weak give way to the strong and mighty?

Of course I replied that the strong and mighty should give way to the small and weak.

My dad's replied, But why? Does the strong and mighty owe the small and weak a living?

And I was like...Err...no...but it is only natural to help does weaker than you.

Then he asked, Does the strong and mighty help you in school?

I dont really know what he meant. So I asked whether is it people who have alot of physical strength or those who have the authority and power?

His reply was, maybe, maybe not.

Okay, at this point of the msg, I got really confused. So I replied, I dont know!!!

But I remembered something Evan told us before about authority. No matter good or bad, God place the authority there. And we are to honour them. Honour=respect
No matter how much I hate a particular person who is in a higher position than I am I should still honour them. That includes evil teachers!!!

And if I find it difficult to honour my teachers, I can pray the prayer above! :)

Interlude:My nose is still running!!!!

Going to camp tomorrow. The camp site has beds and air con in the room!! So happy!!! I hope I will enjoy myself and not dont like anyone. And that my nose will not run a marathon. I hope the camp food is nice. Let there be no food where I have to mess my hands. I hate peeling chicken!!!

Which is easier to forgive? Friend or foe?

2008-12-06T04:12:00.000-08:00

Woke up at 6 this morning just to go to Eunos so my friend can fetch me all the way to Orchard some ulu part.

When to this quite posh place for kindergarten graduation. The whole programme was suppose to start at 10 but already parents were as early as 9. Wow, they must be eager.

I went there to do ushering and help dress K1 for their performance.

One part of ushering I dont like is giving out the programme sheet to the waiting parents. I have to keep that smile on my face that it hurts and I dont like going up smiling at strangers and saying, "Hi! This is the programme sheet."

I think the parents are weird cause the programme sheet has different colours and they already have one and when they ask me for another one is to ask for another colour. Weird right?! What is the diff? It is just the colour!!!

But I like dressing up the K1s!!! I was suppose to help the teacher and I was actually surprise when the teacher ask me to bring the boys to the toilet!!! Which part of me does not look female to her?! I just lock myself out when they are in the toilet. But they are seriously not shy. The teacher spray their hair with glitter. All the little boys actually look very handsome and super duper CUTE!!! The girls are very pretty!!! I think SJ will gag when she sees the girl's costume. IT IS ALL FLOWERS!!!! Dont you just love flowers SJ?!

The teacher was quite panicky but it is okay. One little girl got scolded cause she lost her flower bangle and then the teacher was very angry and ask her where she lost it. Thank God that we found it but I wont mention where.

When I was putting on the blusher for all of them, one boy keep kicking me and putting his feet on my leg. I asked him to stop but he wont then I got angry and told him if he dont stop I will tell his teacher and he wont have sweet and I glared at him. The principal so happen to walk into the room and she was surprise and she said, "So you can also get angry one ar?"
I wanted to reply 'duh' but that would be too rude so I just smiled. I know it is like a compliment but it is a weird compliment dont you think?

I know I said this before but I will say this again. This preschoolers are totally and absolutely not shy!!! Boy and girl change in the same room!!! I was too busy helping the girls change into their other costume for their next performance that I did not notice any of the boys. Thank God!!!

I hate stockings!!! The girls had to wear stockings and it was a hassle trying to get them to wear their stockings. Tying their hair is also hard cause their hair has too much gel. But their costume this time round has no flowers on it. It was actually much nicer than the previous costume.

Ohoh!!! And for the Finale....I did the marcarena with the other ushers who are my friends!!! Okay it was fun doing the marcarena in front of the parents. Dont know why but it just is. I enjoyed myself alot alot!!!

Just doing everything today just make me feel so nostalgic. Was I like them on the concert day itself? So eager and excited? I suppose I was. But I wish I had nice costumes like them. My costumes were so ugly. Oh, and the K1s were very impatience as well and they were fidgeting then the Nursery came out and the teacher said, "Look at the nursery, they so good and stand so orderly. They younger than you yet so obedient. Not like your, so naughty!"
I seem to have heard it somewhere before...now...just where have I heard it before?

I just enjoyed myself tremendously!!! Maybe I will do it again next year if there is time.

2008-12-05T04:20:00.000-08:00

I'M HOME ALONE!!!

Mother in JB, sister at camp, brother...hmm...dont know

sure it is peaceful and quiet...but...too quiet.

It is kind of lonely being home alone. It is scary.

Coming back to an empty house just make me feel sad. Saying "I'm home" is no use. No one will hear it. It's lonely.

I miss all of them already. It is going to rain. I hate it when it rains in the night and I am all alone. The thunder rolling is scary. I'm super scared.

It reminds me of horror movies where all the scary things will happen on a stormy night. Not fun at all!!!

2008-12-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE READING BOOKS!!! Did I mention it before?!

I mean, some books really set you thinking. Books really open up new worlds. It is like travelling while sitting at home! I dont know bout you but whenever I read books, I always try to imagine how does the character look like and I even imagine the voice. I get a feel of the characters emotions and it kinds of blend in with my own emotions. Sometimes as I read books, I just feel that the character and I are long lost soul partners. It's like I am able to understand the character's personality. Something like that. I just get very absorb into the character's world. I am physically on Earth but my mind and soul is on a journey along with the character. Travelling with the character to places...its amazing.

Probably just like watching anime, it is a way of escapism. But watching anime and reading books is totally different. Watching anime is just like watching someone else's life from the outside. You are not close with the character at all. While for reading books, you are one with the character. You are seeing the world through the character's eyes.

Fantasy books just have this effect on me. Above all genre of books, I like fantasy the best. Call me a dreamer if you like cause I think it is good to dream. It is good to cling on to hope no matter how foolish it may be. This way, we have something to live for tomorrow and wont think of life as a drag.

I'm reading this book now, titled, Time Of The Eagle. The character is in a strange land, with no friends, no family and she was betrayed by the people of this land whom she have healed cause she is a healer. She wanted to return to her family but they keep her as their slave because of her extraordinary gift of healing. Her kindness was repayed with evil.

I was thinking, if I was her. Alone in a strange and foreign place, I would probably be scared out of my wits and further more, if my kindness was repayed with life of enslavement I would feel hurt, betrayed and never trusting anyone again. I would wept for I am worth. The thought of never seeing family or friends again would overwhelm me and I would probably crack. I would hate the person who ordered my enslavement with ever fibre of my being. Such strength my hate would be.

But then again, hating someone with every fibre of my being is going to imprison me even more. The chain of unforgiving tightening every single day until I suffocate and die full of bitterness and anger.

Do I want that? Do I want to die for of hate and anger and bitterness? I dont want! I want to live a happy and carefree life full of love and not hate. I dont want to die suffocating. If I have to die it would be a peaceful death. Not one of agony.

This are my thoughts.

2008-11-30T04:20:00.000-08:00

OK! I think I have to rethink my view on small little kids like kindergarten kids. They are soo CUTE!!!

Not all are the bratty type. Not all are the suck up kind. Not all are rowdy and noisy. Actually, most are quiet and friendly!

Next year I would officially be volunteering at my church's Sunday school. So I probably would be hanging around kindergarten kids. You know K1 and K2. I'm not sure yet but the kids I am observing now are K1 and K2s so most likely I would be hanging around them next year though I wish to hang around P1 and P2 but K1 and K2 are CUTE!!!

Today I observed again and there was this girl called Alicia. She keep showing me her comic book about the Disney princesses. I love Disney princesses!!! I know she likes Sleeping Beauty. Then she give me sticker!!! I dont know what I did to deserve a sticker. She wanted to give me a second one but I just said she dont have to give me and she so cutely said, "But I want to give you." So sweet right?! So I no choice, accepted her sticker.

And there is this little girl which I think is most probably K1. Brought her to toilet and she is the smallest among all the other girls that went to the toilet. Then I just made a stupid comment like saying it was very cold and she showed me that she is wearing her blue sweater. Soo CUTE!!! (okay, I know I have been saying alot of 'soo cute' but they are!) One thing that make me mention her is that she remembered me and said bye to me when her parents came to fetch her. I did not interact with her after the toilet break but she remembered me and said Bye! I was so touch!!!

Ohoh! There was this boy too! He was sitting alone so I just said hello and asked what is his name. Guess what he replied.
"I don't want to tell you."
I admit I was shocked for a moment cause when I asked for their name, the kids will tell me but this boy HE DON"T WANT TO TELL ME!!!

Then I said that if he don't tell me then I dont tell him my name. I know it sounds childish but you have to be childish around children. Then I look at his name tag and I smiled happily at him and told him I know his name!!! Then he quickly cover his name tag with his hands! He so smart!!! How he know I looked at his name tag?! His name is soo unique as well. Sounds like a Japanese name. I think he was ashamed of his name. Guess what his name is.
I dont think we should be ashamed of our own name. My dad told me once before that our names depicts who we are. I always like to know the meaning of people's name and see how are they like the meaning of their name. It is interesting. I will proudly say that my name means 'princess'. Though I am not much of a princess. Haha. But I will be. I'm still learning but I will have the character of a princess someday. (I can hear the laughter)

Back to the little boy. He is most probably K2. I didn't ask his age. I forgot but that is not the point.
Guess his name yet?

His name is.....

....................

....................

...................

Kuon. This is his name. I honestly think his name is cool. If you pronounce it wrongly it sounds like 'corn' soo I suppose people who does not know better may pronounce it wrongly so the reason for him not telling me. He doesn't seem to like me that much but that is okay. Next time I see him. I will tell him he has a cool name!

2008-11-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

BOO! Rocky went home yesterday cause my aunt came back from Japan. So sad Rocky is not around anymore. Cannot put cloth on him and see him trying to get rid of the cloth. So funny when he is rolling around on the floor trying to get rid of the damn cloth on his back. He keep sneezing also. And he likes to sit on my leg. I miss Rocky already???

Even my mother suddenly called Rocky's name when it was time for dinner. That is why I will never try to get close to someone's dog or else I will miss the dog soo much when it is gone.

I also hit his rock in a cloth and he will poke his nose and snuffle around trying to get his rock. And I will snatch it away again and hold it above him so he will jump and try to get it. I love the way he jumped!!! Very cute!!!

But one thing bad. He is super smelly!!! Very smelly that sometimes I am afraid to touch him. And I dont like taking him out for walks cause he is super stubborn. Peeing everywhere. So embarrassing!!! He not pai say I pai say for him.

Rocky loves me!!! He keep following me everywhere!!! So happy!!!
But I dont like him to lick my hand. It is disgusting!!! Never brush teeth then lick my hand.

Ahh...well....dogs are quite troublesome and need alot of attention so I think if I were to have a pet. Hamsters would be good. Then atleast I dont have to take them out for walks. But their bite is painful. What kind of pet is trouble free?

Things that keep me sane

2008-11-25T15:49:00.002-08:00

Things that keep me sane:

1. Watching ANIME!!!
2. Reading
3, Blogging
4. Listening to music
5. Eating
6. Looking up
7. Singing totally of key
8. Writing random stuff
9. Believe it or not. Doing work.
10. Sleeping

Without all these, I think I will go insane, berserk, kapoop or whatever.
When I am alone, this are all what I would normally do. If I dont have time for myself, I will become insane, crazy...whatever word that describe anything.

2008-11-21T02:09:00.000-08:00

My dear korko is in JAPAN!!!

Soo good right?!

Ahh...well, it is his bonding time with my dad before he leaves for the army. Then I can have his table!!! Oh yeah!!!

Both my dad and brother are backpacking around Japan. Following the train line. And they did not even book a single hotel!!! They are just going there as they are. And if they cant find a hotel or an inn, they will sleep under a bridge. Some adventure they are going to have. Dont envy their backpacking adventure tho.

Too afraid. Haha. I dont fancy sleeping under a bridge or on a bench in a park. I want a comfy bed. I'm all for comfort. Tho I think sleeping under the stars would be fun...

Brother asked me if I want anything from Japan and I said something fit for a princess and he replied a tiara. How normal and ordinary. Well, a tiara would be good as long as it is able to hide a secret weapon or something. You know like in spy shows?! No, a Katana would be befitting for a princess. Not some useless thing like a tiara. I want a Japanese long sword brother!!! Guess he will be stopped at immigration. Ah well, my fantasy of owning a Katana just evaporated. Guess I would have to make do with a tiara if he really comes back with a tiara for me. Tho I dont know what I will ever do with it.

I Know!!! He can bring me back a handsome samurai!!! Yes!!! That would be truly befitting for a princess! Haha! :)

Well, I just hope they enjoy themselves alot alot!!!

2008-11-19T19:08:00.000-08:00

My Beloved sister reading a book! She got back her PSLE results today!
My aunt's doggie! Everyone say HI to ROCKY!!!
Rocky, say hi to everyone!! Rocky loves rocks and therefore the name. (:

2008-11-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

This is my CASTLE!!!

2008-11-17T23:47:00.000-08:00

I figure it out if I have to boast it would be my weaknesses I would boast about. Cause I'm only strong in my weakness. So boasting time!

Firstly,
I totally suck at making handmade Christmas cards that I see my sister making for her friends. She is just soo creative!

I have a horrible fashion sense and often ask my sister to decide for me. Haha. Quite ashamed of it though. So I think wearing school uniform is the best! Or jeans and shirt. The simplest and my sister would always dismay at my choice of clothes I wear out. She would say, "Your school shirt and your jeans again?!" But you must give me credit! I try my hardest to dress prettily on Sundays!

I am really bad at maths that I think I can win the prize for the world's worst maths! Maybe not. I'm okay with it now. I just really hated it in primary school. I absolutely abhorred it. It was my suckiest subject! Now it would be Chinese. Oh...that dreaded language!

I'm quite short. (does this count as a weakness?) Haix...I want to be atleast slightly taller. Maybe a height of 160? I think my sister is going to be taller than meeee! If she is taller than me it would hurt my pride even more!!! WAIT! What pride? My pride is already hurt by telling random strangers my weaknesses....

I have many weaknesses....and these are only some of them. Only a small fraction but I also have many strengths as well! And strengths are strengths.

I think I am particularly good at handling kids though I do not really like them that much. I dont like those spoilt brats which most of them are or those who are selfish and attention seeker trying to be a teacher's pet. Ewww! Disgusting cans? I like those quiet and shy ones. Some are really cute and note, I said some! Should I become a childcare teacher? Nah...maybe not.

I also am good at reading! I read alot alot! Haha!

Okay! Byes!

2008-11-14T01:35:00.000-08:00

Your know, I'm really glad that my coach decided to coach us. This new coach is soo much better than my previous coach. A thousand times better! Maybe for those who do not know him wont think that way. Probably they will think my coach is stuck up and has a problem or two with people walking across our netball court while we are training. But they dont see what a nice person my coach can be. He is harsh and strict but it is necessary if we want to get better. He is serious when it comes to training but outside of the court, you will see him joking with us. Ya lar, sometimes I dont like him to say vulgar words when we make stupid mistakes. But, I forgive him for that lah.

With the previous coach, I never had a chance to prove myself. I was dimmed the weakest and I will forever be the weakest. But this new coach, he does not give a shit. (oops! his vulgarities shown up in me) He gave me a chance to train together with the others and gave me lots of chance to play in court games. And I respect him and I work hard. That is why I wont skip trainings. If I have to sacrifice my time with my friends, I will do it. Cause I was given the chance to prove my strength and that I dont suck at netball.

I accept his criticism as he does it so that I would know where I go wrong and to learn from them. As much as he criticise, he does give praises as well. There are many times he praise me in front of my team mates. And shameful as I am to admit this, I felt myself being raised up a notch in my team mates eyes. He isn't bias, well not the obvious bias if you know what I mean. Good player or bad player, he will still train you as long as you are willing to be trained and to come for training. He give us gifts as well and I am a total sucker for gifts! You give me gifts and you are instantly my friend! Haha! I just respect my coach alot alot.

And I am sad that he choose to leave us. He told our teacher-in-charge that he is deciding to leave as we are not producing results and not every single member comes for training and he said he is quite demoralised whereas in other schools, the girls are much more committed and train almost every single day.

Soo, we came up with a plan today to win our coach back. To make him not leave us. Our teacher told us that many schools literally beg him to come and train them. So we thought that they are planning to steal our coach so we are going to steal him back! So we decided to show him how committed we are by coming almost every day to train and staying back to train some more after training. Well, we can only try to win him back. The decision is his alone to make.

2008-11-13T06:07:00.000-08:00

2008-11-12T05:13:00.000-08:00

ROARS!!! Some sadistic bastard just zoom past me and splash rainwater all over me!!! I know I'm stinky and I need to bath but he does not have to splash water on me!!!! Evil!

2008-11-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

Early this morning...my phone when, "oreta awai tsubasa kimi wo sugoshi...."means there was a sms for me.

I got a sms from my dad!

He wrote a short story for me. More like an analogy.

There was an explorer who went on an expedition and he came upon a cave. It was a very dark cave. From a distance, it looked very mysterious. But the weather was turning stormy and rain looks imminent. He had to make a decision. Go in or not. Fear and yet being an explorer, he very much want to look and explore this cave. If he move due to fear, then he may never find out the mystery in this cave. But if he move in, what is there or would it be disappointing? Relationship is such!

This is the short anecdote. Reading it, I did not understand it at first. Do you understand? Maybe due to the limitations of sms, my father wasn't able to type properly so maybe it is abit unclear. So I asked my dad to explain.

His reply was:
Will you stand afar and not move to discover another person? Will you only just look and wish for a closer relationship? But it wouldn't happen! Cause relationships takes action and time and effort to cultivate. But fear of disappiontment and rejection sometimes cause inaction and that impedes a relationship.

I know he is trying to tell me something through the anecdote and that is how my dad is. Always teaching us lessons through short little stories. But I know this story he purposely made up to tell me. I understand his reply. I guess he knows how I feel about our relationship. I suppose whatever he said hits home.
Its fear that prevents me from getting to know my father better cause I'm afraid. From disappointment...from rejection...I totally hate being rejected. And I guess I am the one who builts up the wall between my father and I. I guess relationship is like waiting for a tree to grow up to become big and strong. It takes time to cultivate...and lots of love and no fear...I understand what my father is really trying to tell me.

You know, recently, i decided to help out in sunday school. And on my first sunday, I went to observe...when it came the time to go home, all the little kids would wait for their parents to come and fetch them. When they see their parents, they would just rush into their parents waiting arms, abandoning everything else. They was this K1 girl, she is very cute! When he father came she stop talking to me and just run to her father.
And there as I watch her, I saw me when I was younger but I felt really sad. I remember I used to attend sunday school as well, everytime, my father would be the one to pick me up. Everytime once sunday school was over, I would see my father standing there in a corner watching and smiling at me. I would forget to say bye to my teachers and just rush towards my dad. I was very very happy!

I also saw a little boy. His name was Matthew. All his friends have been picked up by their parents and he was just sitting there alone. So I just asked him where his parents were. I know it is a stupid question cause he would not know either. But I just wanted to struck a conversation with him. I remember that there were times when I was the only one left and tears were just at the back of my eyes as a scan frantically among the parents to find my father. And then...I finally found him!!! And he is just smiling there laughing at my blurness and calling me "sasa" I'm too happy to argue that I am not blur. Then my dad asked me whether I was crying and I said no cause I'm too proud to admit that I was about to cry! Haha! Those were the days....my treasured memories!

2008-11-10T00:23:00.000-08:00

Some pictures of our class BBQ!!! Dont know where this 2 people looking!
Smilez!!! :)
Erm...candid pose!!! Haha!
Really candid!!! Cause no one is looking at the camera!
Hmmm....thinking....dont know what they are doing....
Man! It is so hard to take a picture of them and finally they agree!
Cheryl is fighting desperately not to be taken! Well, I'll make do with this shot!
Are posies flowers?
Cake fight!!! Trevor got smeared with cakey!!!
No...look down...
Haiz.....eating again....sigh....(:
Totally candid. Or else there is no way they will let me take a picture of them.
Cake cutting time!!! Glen is doing her best!!!
Yes! Beautiful Miss Teen! Hahas!
This picture is so cute! Our little waitress! And look look at the background!!! So funny!!!
Oh!!! There is another picture of them!!!
I really think girls can cut a cake much better than guys!!! See...a pro is a pro!! You have to cut a cake with a smile!!!
That Aaron! When missing just to buy a cake!!! But a cute cake!
The baby girls of November and December!
Erm....this....haha...just blame my bad photo taking skill!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU GUYS!!!! YIPPEEE!!!

2008-11-09T01:36:00.000-08:00

Finally! I'm able to transfer pictures from my phone to the computer! My brother taught me how, heheh! This photo was taken teacher's day I think...or hmmm...not sure. Haha!

Cute right?! Took this photo at ECP with SJ! Love this pic man!

Just some random taking. Thought that it was really nice! Very islandsii!:)
Where the sea and the sky meet! Love it! That huge gigantic cloud there! Lovely isn't it?
Compare this picture with the one above. Taken on the same day but a complete change in weather.

I love this alot alot! I was walking home from school and I so happen to look up and...WOAH! I felt like I could soar on that day!
I absolutely love RAINBOWS!!! I so happen to see one on that day and I know it has something to do with physics but I DONT CARE! Rainbows are soo special to me cause there remind me of God's PROMISES!!!
This is the evidence that I did study for the EOY!
Took this during a holiday trip to Rendang Island in Malaysia. I thought it was lovely with the little island over there as a background.
This beach is amazing!!! Crystal clear waters with coral reefs! All at Rendang island!!! I really hope this place with never ever be destroyed by humans activities.

2008-11-07T06:05:00.000-08:00

This old man, he play one,
he play knick knack on my drum
with a knick knack tally whack
give a dog a bone
this old man came rolling home...

So nostalgic this song. Heard it on the way back. I love this song because of the old man. I think old man's are very benevolent and kind. Makes me remember about the past...those were the good old days. Haha...

2008-11-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

YESTERDAY NIGHT! I SPENT IT ALL ON TALKING TO MY PRIMARY SCHOOL FRIENDS ON THE PHONE!!!

MY VERY FIRST TIME USING A THREE WAY CONFERENCE TALKING!!! HAHAS! I'M SUCH A GUNDU!!!

AND I FOUND OUT SOMETHING!!! THOSE EVIL PEOPLE NEVER TELL ME AND SAY IT IS BECAUSE I DID NOT ASK!!! GRRR...SO FUN!! AND THAT AUDREY KEEP TEASING ME!!! ROARS! AND SAM!!! WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO FOLLOW?! AND HERE I THOUGHT SHE WOULD BELIEVE ME! HAHAS!

OH OH! AUDREY KEEP TALKING TO HERSELF AND WE WERE LIKE "AUDREY...ARE YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF OR TO US?" SO FUNNY, THAT GIRL. AND WHENEVER SHE IS TALKING TO US, WE DONT REPLY CAUSE WE DONT KNOW WHETHER SHE IS TALKING TO US OR TO HERSELF! THEN SHE WILL SCOLD US!!! HAHAS! SHE IS SUPER WEIRD!

SAM IS COMING BACK TO SINGAPORE SOON!!! YEAH!!! WE ARE GOING ROLLER BLADING!!! YEESSSSH! I TALK ON THE PHONE FOR SOOO LONG! 2 HOURS PLUS I THINK...RECORD!!!

WE SHOULD DO IT AGAIN!!! :)

2008-11-03T04:35:00.000-08:00

I'm GLAD I persevered!!!

I'm Secretly HAPPY today!!!

I'm in a LALALA mode!!!

I just want to SHALALALA for no particular reason.

I'm not sorry that I am CRAZY!

I just cant help that good and bad things happen to me. They just happen. And I have the choice to make it a SUPER DUPER GOODY DAY!!!

Today I'll name it. I'm SAVAH DAY!!! Say HI to SAVAH!!! :)

P.S. 7th of November is the FESTIVAL OF SLEEP DAY!!! (I made that up) PLEASE DO ABIDE BY THE RULES OF THE DAY!
RULE 1: SLEEP TILL UR HEART'S CONTENT.
RULE 2: ALL ACTIVITIES IS TO CEASE
RULE 3: RULES ARE MEANT TO BE FOLLOWED!

SIMPLE? JUST FOLLOW MY 3 RULES AND U WILL NEVER GO WRONG ON THAT DAY. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEEP! :)

2008-10-31T18:32:00.000-07:00

Gah! Felt very very emotional yesterday. Lots of things making me doubt big time. It's like life went past me in a blur and I'm trying to capture them all back. Where you know you have one of those big nets to catch butterflies with? Sadly, I do not have a gigantic net.

Something happened, and it made me review my image of my father. Is he the person I thought I know or maybe I just came up with an ideal image of a father and made him fit the picture. (Though I dont think his waistline can fit the picture)<----attempt at a lame joke.
I just doubted. I cant seem to believe him anymore. And as my brother has so clearly notice. I try to keep my distance. I just feel so damned insecure. I hate being so insecure. But as a friend said. He is my father. I cant change that fact. Whether I like it or not, he is my father and will always be. (sounds cheesy) It's inevitable lah, we are still humans after all and we try to hide from the truth and I try to hide from it and ignore it. Pretending I cant see it cause I'm a coward. But I have to faced it someday or later. I remember a poster I gave to my dad for his birthday. It says the truth will set you free. I think, I actually really bought that for me. Haha.
I dont hate my father. I think he is the best father in the world. He may not be perfect or fit my ideal image of a father but my dad is still the best! The best in the whole wide world in fact! He has won the best dad in the whole wide world consecutively every single year to me and to tell you the truth, I will not trade my father with anyone else. I may gushed at a friend's father but secretly, I think my dad is better! (I leak my secret out! Shoot!)
I maybe scared of my dad and sometimes I am very afraid of him. He knows that and he tells me countless of times that I dont have to be afraid of him. But, hee, I'm still afraid! :)

Sorry to everyone I made worried yesterday.　ほとに　ごめなさい！(really sorry!) Not your fault. It is entirely my fault for being so stupid. Haha! :) Sorry I get very depressed sometimes. But I will try my best to stay cheerful!

Yesterday, my dad brought my siblings and me out to some high end place where all the rich people hang out. So I had to really dress up last night or I would be wearing my usual 3 quarters and shirt. I dont mind though. It feels good looking pretty! Hey! There should be an argumentative question which is, "Should teenagers be encouraged to dressed nicely?" I will immediately agree and all the skills I pick up from the English enrichment course will go flying out the door. Okay, maybe not all, but I wont bother to come up with a rebuttal for every single point I make. Takes too much time. I agree it is effective but time consuming.

Anyway, back to this high end place...I did not even know such a place even existed in Singapore!!! I have lived here all my life but I did not know!!! It was somewhere in Holland near Queenstown. Heard Of Dempsey Hill? Please dont let me be the only clueless person left in the whole of Singapore. Well, anyway, the place was so westernised! The place is soo big! It's like a gigantic shopping centre out in the open and I was totally blown away! My dad kept circulating around the whole place and I though he was lost.

There were alot of restaurants. There was this restaurant selling cheese fondue! I have heard of chocolate fondue but not cheese! Do I sound like a gundu? hahas! I'm amazed! Flabbergasted! Surprised!

The restaurants are super ex!!! So we poor but trying to look rice people settled for Ben and Jerry's for supper. They had a live band playing and it was the very thing that drawed us to Ben and Jerry's in the first place. It was just amazing! Since it was Halloween, the waiters and waitresses were dressed up as witches and ghouls and goblins! Even the live band was a band of ghouls, goblins and a witch who is the singer. I saw an angel as well who was the cashier and waitresses dressed as dolls and pirates. But I think the ghouls are the scariest. Especially when one of the ghost had something oozing out and it really was oozing out!!! Scary!!! It was a whole new experience for me. Ben and Jerry's was made into something like a pub. It was like I step into a different world! But not the fairy world. More like a nightmare you have as a kid. But it was a good experience! I did not eat ice cream. I go for Cheesecake! The berries were very sour!!!

And there was a grocery shop too! It is nothing like the supermarket like NTUC! You can dine in the grocery store!!! And they sell cookies that looks to good too eat!!! And the sweets are just so cute! Man! I must have stepped into another world!! Or maybe a parallel universe! (hopeful) Hahas! Yesterday's outing was a whole new experience for me. So posh! Gosh! I'm gushing! :)

2008-10-29T02:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I'm very reluctant to make some choices. Especially when my choices will affect other people. Sometimes, I wish I can split myself into half. So I wont get torn between two situations. But I guess we have to face this kind of times where we have to make decisions and sometimes, I have absolutely no choice but to make that decision. Do you get what I mean? That decision is forced upon me. But I dont want to make that decision cause I know that I would affect someone else.

Well, it does not matter if I treasure one over the other but what if I treasure both of them? If I make this decision, I will hurt one or the other. It's like standing between the tiger and a cliff behind me. I'm in a dilemma. Either way is suicide. What should I do? I'm so confused.

I'll give you an example of times when I really wish I can split myself into two.
It's the times when going home after school. I got the choice I know, to either take this way back home with a friend or take the other way with another friend. I get so torn and confused. I dont want to hurt either of them. They are both my very good friend. And I'm caught in the middle. It is not a bad thing being in the middle but, I hate making decisions that will affect others. If it is just me. I'm fine with it but if it concerns others, I hesitate. Sounds like I'm a wishy-washy kind of person right? But this is only just the beginning though it is bad enough to have to decide who to go home with.

There are other decisions that concerns my family. Dont ask me to make a decision that will affect someone else in my family. I cant. It's so hard. After all, blood is thicker than water. So I dont want to do it. I dont like being forced to make decisions concerning my family member. Tell me, what would you do if one of your family member forced you to do something you know will affect another of your family member?

2008-10-27T01:57:00.000-07:00

Ever since Eunice taught me how to sing the piggy song, it has been playing over and over again in my head! I love that song! It is super stupid but I think it is very cute!

So I will sing for you! So sit back and relax and hear my beautiful voice take flight!

Small circle, small circle
one big circle
small circle, small circle
one big circle
quarter circle, quarter circle
one big cicle
W W
e e e...PIGGY!

Nice? I just lurveeee it! It irritates the hell out of everybody!

My Dad goes to the gym not to gain muscles but to lose weight! I find this absolutely hilarious!

Every time he says I'm off to the gym. I would laugh. My Dad, lose weight? That is like not possible! And I tell him that and he just said, "You just wait and see! One day I will be very slim!" And me, what did I do? I gagged! And my Dad would just smile mysteriously and say that I have to just wait and see. Am I mean or what?! The day my dad is all slim would be the day the world is turned upside down! and we all fall off.

The purpose

2008-10-23T17:43:00.000-07:00

Am I that weak? Easy to control kind of person? Do I really give in so easily?

I'm that weak right?

Easy to manipulate kind of person.

I think I should change my character. To become someone who is more firm, more assertive. Someone who does not give in that easily. To become someone who is hard and cold. Showing no compassion at all. To become someone who would not care what you will think of me.
Be mad or angry with me. I dont care. To hell with what you think of me. You mean nothing to me at all. You are just a flower that will wither and I will personally crush you with my foot. I will control your life with my hands.

Do I want to become this cold and heartless wicked witch? This...this meaningless life?

Honestly. No. I hate that kind of person the most.

But on the other hand, if I give in to all your whims and fancies, you will only take advantage of me. Knowing I will give in to you and when one of the few rare times I dont you throw a tantrum and why, oh why did I give in to you in the end??? Am I really that stupid???

I really need to change my character. If only it is that easy to change someone's character...

I want to be firm and assertive, kind and compassionate at the same time. Slow to anger but willing to be kind.

So you will know, I dont give in to everything you asked or want me to do. Your childish tantrums will have no effect on me. Throw all the tantrum in the world you want. Just dont expect me to succumb to your tantrums and give in. I will be indifferent.

Treat me nicely and I will treat you back nicely.

You like this game dont you? Tic for tac. Then we will play it. I wont lose.

You can either bring out the angel in me or the demon. Your choice. Choose. Which me you want?

2008-10-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

Hey, I want to ask something.

Why is it that in all Fairytales the older sister is either the ugly and stupid one or the super evil one?

And why is the younger sister the pretty and kind one who captures the prince or whatever handsome guys heart and ending with 'Happily ever after'.

While the elder sister is thrown in the mud or some unknown outcast with no happily ever after???

I dont know why I still read fairytales when the youngest always gets the happily ever after and the elder one is chuck to the side.

Do you not think it is unfair?

I have yet to find a fairytale that tells the story of the older sister as the kind and compassionate one who gets the 'Happily ever after' instead of living as an outcast.

Hmph! What's with story tellers telling the story of the youngest only?

Uuwah!!! Seigi no Mikaka (Ally of justice) is super nice and funny!!!
Thanks Chloe for introducing it to me!!!

The evil older sister is evil in a good way cause she is an Ally of Justice by being evil! So ironic!!!

2008-10-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach with SJ(from now on I must call her that) today!!

She wanted to learn how to roller blade! She have planned to learn for a long long time! Haha! Sorry, we did not carry out as plan SJ!

It was really funny to see her roller blade! (Anyone want to watch the video, ask me! Not going to humilate her here)

But you know, SJ really did her bestest! She started out wobbly at first. But isn't this how we all started out at first? As a baby, with wobbly legs we learn to walk. She was really funny! She feel on her butt many times!

You know, she was so afraid of falling at first, but once she fell and a few times, I think, she gain confidence to continue. It's like she kinda got use to falling. Afterall, failure is the mother of success right?!

It is so heartwarming to see her get up every single time she falls. Though all I can do is laugh at her. Hee! I am very glad she never give up! You know, when I first learned roller blading from my friend, I was so afraid of falling also. I cant even move my leg for goodness sake! Even worse! I cant balance that I keep clinging on to my friend. LOL!

SJ did not always cling onto me. So she is actually better than me!

Yes, I did fall. Many times! I really wanted to give up. But SJ never! She always got up!

I have a confession. I think I broke my friend's brother's roller blades! Hee! Not on purpose though!

かばてい(Jiayou! think it is like that) SJ! To your roller blading success! :)

Wa~I love the beach! So windy! And you know, the wind was blowing from the sea in the day! Does it means Mr Low is wrong?!

2008-10-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

BOO!!! Sorry! Just being random!
Were you scared?!
Hehehe! :p

2008-10-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

A conversation between a Little girl and a girl...

Little girl: Hey! Smile! Look at the sky!
Girl: No time. The sky will always be there and what is there to smile about?
Little girl: Just smile! The sky is always changing...
Girl: Shut up! You really are naive. What do you know?
Little girl: Don't be like that...I believe that if you just smile, there is nothing that you cannot overcome!
Girl: Are you stupid or what? If smiling can solve everything then we won't need lawyers or police!
Little girl: No it may not...but you can change your perspective of how you look at things!
Girl: You think it is that easy don't you? No one is going to wave a magic wand and turn you into a princess and sent you on your way to the ball.
Little girl: Then sent yourself to the ball!
Girl: Yep, innocence is bliss. Nope. It is not that easy.
Little girl: Why are you so negative?
Girl: Why? You asked? What does your little innocent mind knows about except to frolic and play with a rose in your hair and the trees showering you with their leaves dancing around you. What does a little girl know?
Little girl: Nothing...
Girl: Exactly! Nothing! All your naive stupid mind thinks is that the world is so beautiful. You can never understand the immense sadness that engulfs me everyday. Eating me whole. Stripping away my innocence leaving me naked and cold.
Little girl: I don't know what the world has done to you. maybe it is just being naughty. There are beautiful things as well! Like the blue blue sky! So big and wide!
Girl: Yea, big and wide and scary.
Little girl: You are so mean!
Girl: Welcome to reality. No one is going to comfort you when you cry and say "Oh, you poor little thing. What has the naughty world done to you now?" They will just slap you and tell you to wake up!
Little girl: I believe there are kind people in the world! Not everyone is as mean as you! Hmph!
Girl: Childish! Wake up already! Girls don't become princesses and boys don't become princes. They don't marry and live happily ever after!
Little girl: The prince and princess will marry and have babies!
Girl: (sarcastically) And there goes her innocence all sparkly and shiny.
Little girl: I'm never growing up to be like you! (sticks out tongue)
Girl: And there, the naive tongue speaks yet again.
Little girl: I'm really really not going to grow up like you!
Girl: I used to say that once too. I envy you. How I yearn to be like you. So young and naive and so free. The world was my playground. But now it's my nightmare. I'm not so free anymore. My days are filled with strife. My wings are dulled, the sky eludes me. Now, I'm bounded to the earth.
Little girl: Not true! You yourself chained yourself to the earth. You yourself clipped your own wings because you are scared to fly. The sky did not elude you, you ran away from it. Why not laugh again? Smile! It may not solve everything but it will definitely help you go through the storms of life. And then, you can proudly soar above the storm. For you are free!
Girl: (shocked)
Little girl: Don't you know it already? (laughs merrily) I'm you and you me! You only choose to hide me away. Why not, set me free...

2008-09-19T03:05:00.000-07:00

"What is your meaning in life?"
A friend asked this question.
I thought definitely not going through the day and dying at the end of the day.
There is so much more to life than just living and dying. More than just trying to make it through the day. More than the eyes alone can see.
I believe, each and everyone of us have a purpose for our very existance. I'm sure qeustions have run through our heads like why am I on earth? What in the world is my purpose in life? What am I meant to be?
I will tell you, go read the purpose driven life! Haha...

Well, I just believe that I have a destiny and though I may not know it now, I know that whatever I am going through right now will only prepare me for my greater purpose what ever that is anyway. Now, I dont know what is the meaning of my life but I am holding on to that hope that I have a destiny. I will embrace whatever shit and sweets life throws at me cause as I said before what ever I am going through right now will only make me a better person. So one day, I will be able to soar like an eagle in the eye of the storm.

I wrote a poem that I thought maybe I will share cause I really think that poems are a good way to convey what one is feeling inside. My poem dont rhyme cause I dont think it will make any sense if it is rhyming.

Someone...
fan that ember
that flame of friendship
that is slowly dying out

It's cold
the chill seeps into my bones
leaving me shivering
the ashes as my companion

It remains as
a blue rhapsody
of what used to be
once upon a time

Where have the purity gone?
the laughter, the joy

Like a beautiful flower
that only just bloomed at dawn
only to wither
at dusk

Can friends be friends
once yet again?
Can that joy never return?

My friend...
why so cold
the distance between us
wide as the ocean

Was I wrong to believe
friendship last forever
and you my friend
was placed in my life for a reason

Am I wrong?

Pray, tell me
tell me the reasons
for the distance
the laughter for tears

Am I only to look
back at the sweet memories
savouring the sweetness of
Friendship....

2008-09-14T05:22:00.001-07:00

I know I should be studying now since it is only one week to the EOY, but my hands itched for the computer so here I am!

I have a sudden craze just today! I want to take up fencing! I just thought that maybe it will be fun and my brother and I have played fighting with bamboo sticks when we were younger though I am soo scared of getting hit but try getting hit with a bamboo stick! You will definitely feel the pain.

And and...I always like to watch sword plays! Like the other time when I when to a theatre and there were real horses and we can dine while we watch! It was soo cool!!! Two knights fighting for the hand of the princess!!! Sorry...I just love fairy tales! Cant blame me! Though both knights were fighting with jostling sticks. I love it! It was soo long ago but I really enjoyed the sword play!

I want to fence! I went to search on the internet and fencing has a rich history to it. Soo interesting!
I know I am a scardy cat and I am scared of pain but I want to fence! I have watch people fence and their movements are soo graceful and poised!
Only time is a factor. But it can be worked out. :)

2008-09-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

Okay! So Friday has officially become our day out with our dad! My dad brought me and my siblings out for late supper last night. We went to eat Dim Sum! It was not that good but atleast we had a day out. Dont you think having a relationship with your father is very important? I think it is important. I always trust my father's judgement and believe in his decisions. With my dad around, I feel more safe and secured. To me, my dad is a strong man and can fight any baddies in the world!

He brought me to tuition today! So good! I was just commenting about how it looks like there is going to be a storm due to the dark clouds looming over our heads. And I asked if it was ever going to clear and stop being so cloudy. Well, I knew what my dad was going to say but it still amazes me at what he said. He said all storms will DEFINITELY clear. They will clear and definitely have to clear. That includes the storm of our lives as well. All the rough patches in our life will definitely end and we will walk smoothly on even floorings again. Like the idioms "At the end of the tunnel there is light" "Every cloud has a silver lining" All the problems we are facing will definitely clear. Only do we have the patience to wait?

Evan told me that God did not promise that life will be a bed of roses. But he did promise help.
Through all this trails, it will only make us stronger.
And I often forget. I will ask, why me? Why does it have to be me? I never got my answers but through all the trails, I know I have become stronger.

There were days when I wonder why is everyone so happy and am I the only one who is feeling like this? Am I the only who is feeling so small? I feel like screaming and shouting and yelling at everyone to stop being so happy. But I guess I choose to smile and laugh and be happy with everyone else. Call me a liar but it is better than being angry with the world.

I cant control what happens around me but one thing I know I can control is my attitude. The way I behave in a certain circumstance.

Well, I wished things were better. I wish I did not have to go through this trail. But life is not a bed of roses. So I plant roses in my garden. I smile instead being sad. I laugh instead of cry. Then maybe this way, I will be able to forget all the unhappiness. This way, I will see the world as a happy place. You may say that I am being disillusioned but I rather have the illusion than the reality.

Maybe like most girls, I eat more when I am feeling so stress and upset. My mum keeps saying I eat so much later become fat. Whatever.

It takes loads of courage to smile. It takes strength as well. That is why I love the lyrics of this song:

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all...
Seeking you as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I'd be a
fool
You are my all in all
taking my sin , my cross,
my shame
rising up again I'll bless
your name
you are my all in all...
when I fall down you pick
me up
when I'm dry you fill my
cup
you are my all in all...

I really love this song lyrics alot alot!
I choose to smile.
So I will smile.
If I can fool other people
then maybe I will be able to fool myself.
But there are times I know that I am truly and really happy.

When the thunder roars, I will soar with you above the storm...
I will be still and know you are God...

2008-09-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

My sister saw a hot ang mo guy on the MRT train when she was going to tuition! She said he was soo cute!! Yeah! I'm not the only one who thinks ang mo guys are cute!!! I not sure if he is hairy or not but I want to think he is not hairy! Teehee! Anyway I dont think ang mo guys are hairy. I can predict what SJ is going to say!

It runs in the blood.

Maybe...I dont know...haha...:)

2008-09-10T04:12:00.000-07:00

Assembly was relatively fun! Cause our hot principle was speaking and the topic he is talking about I am quite intrested. So it was not the boring old assembly. He was talking about self belief. I really agree with him. Mostly it is the mental barrier that we have to overcome. Just like what my brother said also. It is just the mindset and you have grown into that mindset. Maybe because my brother have a different mindset from me that is why he is so confident while all I can do is hide. I am going to change my mindset. I'm not the mouse! I am the lion!

During assembly also, our principal played the song, 'I believe I can fly' and Shi Jia went and change some of the lyrics to

I believe I can roar
I believe I can roar like a lion
Roaring my lungs out until night and day
But nobody can hear me
I believe I can
ROAR!

The lyrics does not really match the song but it is very funny! Oh ya! She finally come to school on time!!! Good Job SJ! :)

2008-09-09T03:05:00.000-07:00

Females think in many ways whichs really gets them so screwed up sometimes while males just think one way.

What I am saying is, males dont think so complicatedly whereas females do.
A single statement and a female can think up of multiple of meanings to that one statement which does not necessarily means that meaning. Males, they are more straightforward. There is nothing more to that statement except that statement. This is what I think anyway.

I wish I was straightforward. Thinking only what that statement says instead of coming up with different hidden meanings. (Do you get what I mean?)

What does it takes to be self assured anyways? What does it takes to have the confidence to run and fly? What does it take to touch the sky? All my blood, tears and sweat? What does it take to just simply dance without a care for what the world may think? To just immersed yourself into the dance and letting the rhythm carry you away?

2008-09-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

My friend said something about why give your all for your friends when after leaving school we will never see each other again.

Why?

Cause we all need friends dont we?
If you say if you are happy alone. I dont believe you.

And why give your all for your friends?
Because there are your friends aren't they?
If you treasure your friendship with your friends, they will naturally treasure you back and definitely you will meet up again after school! Well this is what I think anyway.

Yea, I guess I can acknowledge the fact that sometimes we really want to be alone with our thoughts.

I guess we ourselves decides who our true friends are. No one can decide for us. And it is really great to have friends! I'm glad my friend realised that herself! For that I really want to thank God!

Oh yes! Do you like my new blogskin?! If you say you dont like I will box you! Muahahaha! :p

I feel soo hyper! What should I do?! Maybe because it is back to school? I love school! Say with me! I.LOVE.SCHOOL! :)

2008-09-05T04:56:00.000-07:00

Wrote a post just now but did not save it and my wonderful mother just went and shut it down to save electricity while I was playing badminton. Oh well! Cant be helped.

Oh! You know my wonderfully old mother can still jump and run! I'm super surprised! Not that i'm looking down on my mother but it is just most parents my parents age would not even do any running. She is good! Can match my brother. You know, probably one thing that inspired me to take netball as my CCA was my mother cause it was her CCA last time too. I was sceptical at first but as most kids, I see my mother as nothing but old. Haha! i know I am mean but cant help it! Hee! :P

Sorry Korko, I did not let you see what I was blogging about just now cause I was kinda embarrassed. And I shy lah,so sorry! But you know what I wanted to blog about briefly, so ya...and i must admit that I am glad mum shut down the com. But just to let you know, I really do think about what you say and some of your words really do strike home. I really glad I got the chance to talk to you. Lets talk more okay?! :)

2008-09-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah! When to a coffee shop nearby to eat dinner with my aunty and uncle! But very paisay leh! Everytime we call them go out and eat then they always beat us to pay the bills. It is like a race everytime we go out eat together.

After that, we go to This Fashion! So cheap leh! If you count $7 cheap! I bought alot of blouse! Shi Jia I bought a skirt but I not going to wear for you to see! Later you tease me again! Hmph! :p Fun! Fun! When it is shopping for my stuff!

Ohoh! I saw alot of cats! Got alot of cow cats! They were all licking their paws! So cute!!! They are beauties! If they dont meow. I think when they meow it sounds horrible! So high pitch and their meowing crawls under your skin and makes you have goose pimples! Gross! Oh ya! One of my neighbours cats keep coming into my house. Then it will stare at me and I stare back at it. See who can stare at each other for the longest time. I won! It is a big orange cat! Quite fat too!

I think cats are kind of scary when they are staring at you. I also think cats are quite proud. Very aloof you know. Kind of like telling me you are an inferior being so bow down to me! Muahahaha!!! But they are amazing at the same time. Able to jump up high and always landing on their paws whenever they fall from a high place. So cool!!! I want to be able to land on my legs whenever I fall from a high place! But I dont want to be a cat. I still prefer being a lion. My brother can be the cat and my sister wants to be a bear. Reasons, I dont really know.

Happy! Happy! The weather was fine today too! ^^

2008-09-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sooo tired and bored!!! I feel like I'm in a daze and why is time passing by soo quickly? Can I put a stop sign somewhere to ask it to slow down? Stupid sky! Stop being so grey! It's becoming very boring! And you are making me feel moody!!! Can I just lie down and watch life pass me by without caring? I need sweets!!! I've been deprived of it for a long time and I keep frogetting to buy them whenever I'm out. Irritating! I've no mood to admire the sky's magnificent anger so just shut the tap already!!! Argh...tired...

2008-08-31T02:41:00.000-07:00

People! I just made an amazing discovery!!! Lets say I will die at 70 years old and now I am 15 right? I only have 55 more years to live!!! Which means it is 20 075 more days for me to live!!! Soo short! I thought I had a million more days to live but I only have 20 075 more days!!! Shocking isn't it?! I have to sleep less now or else I will be wasting my life sleeping!!! Ahhh....!

I have thought about it. About what I want to be. My dreams. I want to be a teacher, an actress and a fantasy book writer! I really want to be all three!

I know I wont be earning big bucks being a teacher and maybe teachers are quite useless in a way...but I want to be a teacher. I dont really care about the big bucks thing. I really think doing something I enjoy is more important. Why a teacher? Cause, this is what I feel that is my purpose, my calling. To train all those little pipsqueaks into fine young man and lady!

I also want to be an actress. Not the TV kind of actress. Who wants to kiss someone there dont even love? Nah, TV acting isn't for me. I want to be the theatre kind of actress. Acting out plays. Like Romeo and Juliet you know. I dont really know much plays but I really love acting. Pretending to be someone I am not. It is quite fun! Maybe I can act as an angel or a princess or a witch or even baby rockstar! Hee! ^.^ I just think acting is fun! Maybe when I have to choose what I want to study, I will choose theatre studies!

Fantasy book writer is also my dream! Cause I enjoy writing! I love seeing how my words can come alive. Painting a picture. I love to see how I can create a different world with words. Creating a different world is fun! World where there are dragons, Unicorns and fairies! A world where all my troubles just melt like lemon drops. A world where I am the heroine. Maybe it is a form of escapism for me. That is why I want to be a fantasy writer cause I can escape from the real world. I can immerse myself wholly into the story that I am creating.

I was thinking that maybe I can be a teacher and be a part time writer and for my acting dream...I think I will take charge of a Drama club CCA if there is one in my school and if there isn't than I will create one! This way I can achieve all my dreams!

Then you must be thinking, what about sports? I don't see myself having a career in sports but I did not say what subject I want to teach as a teacher right? I will teach P.E and English and Maths! Yeah! I'm killing lots of mosquitoes with one stone! Praise me! Hee! :)

Seriously, there are all my dreams! I want to achieve all of them! ^^

2008-08-30T02:15:00.000-07:00

My dad is the best!!! Even though he came back from Malaysia very late last night he still agreed to play badminton with all of us! Thank you Daddy! Even though you are an old and fat man you still play with us!(Is is the truth. ^^! Dont get mad! Hee!)

It was fun yesterday and I have to say that I have improve quite abit if I have to say so myself! Dad, me and sammy played against my brother. He was really good except someone on the phone was more intresting than us. Roars!

The shuttlecock came flying towards me....guess what? I squatted down. Why in the world did I squatted down, I do not know. It was like an reflex action you know. Something dangerous coming....hide! I turn around only to see my father open mouth big big and laugh at me! Embarassing! He said I looked like a goose laying golden eggs! Why oh why did I squat down?!

Overall, it was a good night's workout.

Later, my brother said I was being emo cause I choose to sit by myself. I just needed to think about something that has been troubling me the past few days. I guess in a way it is emoing. I did not want to tell him at first until he said nobody likes emo people and I can just sit there and get drunk emoing. Mean! But effective cause I told him. I am glad I told him cause I think I will burst keeping it all to myself. Thanks for being mean Korko!

2008-08-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

SMILEZ!!!! ^.^

2008-08-29T04:30:00.000-07:00

HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY!!!

We when walking in the park! Linking hands! Ms Ng took a photo of our backs! Devious! But it was fun walking! Especially when you are walking with your friends! If all of us were together, I'm sure it will be even more fun! The concert was not bad. Atleast it wasn't screwed up. If it is screwed up, I did not notice.

Gave Ms Ng her teacher's day card. She was happy! Mission accomplished! hehheh! She was sucking on lollipops and her lips were all blue from sucking them! Haha! Funny!

Later have to rush to foyer to meet Mandy and go to Tanah Merah and meet Audrey there. Saw a train come but did not board it cause I thought that Audrey wouldn't be on it and a few seconds after the train left, a call from Audrey, saying, "WTH! I was on that train!"

Opps! Paisay! Met Audrey again at Bedok. She was giving me the evil look. Scary! And Mandy, she never help me! She told Audrey that I was the one who decided not to board the train. Audrey gave me her big eyed stare. Ahhh....!
Nothing really change when we are together! Audrey is always scolding me for my blurness and I will argue back and then both of us will turn to Mandy and ask who she is siding with. She was like "Huh? Er...I'm neutral." And if Sam was there, she will just laugh! (I think)
I guess friends are friends. They are the same somehow in a way. Yeah, there are physical changes as it cant be helped but somehow deep inside they are the same.
The always scolding me and super violent Audrey!
The soft-spoken, neutral Mandy and the Sam who would sometimes chastise Audrey and laugh at silliness. I miss those days!

There are times when we fight and get mad at each other and give each other the cold shoulder but I'm really sure they would want to patch things up. Just pride is standing in the way. Someone has to say sorry first afterall. Sometimes I dont even know why we are angry at each other. Maybe, all of us are just being paranoid. Hehhe! Stupid!

Visited my form teacher of p6. She changed! Her hairstyle changed! And she is going away to study English next year! So sad! Haix! Cant be helped. People move, people change. Met with few classmates. I used to be shorter than this girl but now! Hehe! I have grown!

Went to the hall's gallery and watch the p1 and p2 teacher's day concert! So cute!!!! All of them so pure and innocent! The pure joy on their faces as you see them cheer for their teachers. The dancing and the singing were all very goood!!! So lively! And the MC have to keep saying, "School, give me 1 silent clap!" And all of them will clap their hands and go Shhh..." かわいい！We caught on their enthusiasm, and when the MC asked them to give the silent clap again, all of us did together with them! So funny!!! Man! I miss those 'silent clap' days!!! So stress free! I miss playing hopscotch too!!! Soo fun! I know it is just jumping around but it was those days of my childhood that I really enjoy. Just jumping around, not really taking things seriously and holding hands with a guy does not mean anything but friends!

Well, we walked around and went into the classrooms! Took pictures with the tables and chairs! But unfortunately, the picture isn't with me. And we played in the sand!!! I seriously missed those days! So carefree!

In an blink of an eye and my childhood days are over. And I enter the next chapter of my life. The Adolescence phrase. Neither a child nor an adult. Just simply in between. Well, it is not that bad, I still get my fair share of fun and stress. It is just that I really miss my childhood. The days of "I dont friend you cause you take my eraser!" They are really fond memories and when the time for me to 'look' through them again, I will open my treasure chest and laugh at them again.

2008-08-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

Small things are the ones that makes the big things big. A small gesture just like smiling can really brighten up my day. A "HI!" can make it a good day. You get what I mean dont you?
Just by walking beside me whenever I am walking alone or talking to me when no one is talking to me just makes the whole day brighter! Amazing isn't it? How a simple, small and insignificant gesture can just light up the world!

You may just think it is such a small stupid thing, but you know what? It may be a big thing to the very person whom you said hi or just walk beside.

If everyone were to do a little something, we would not need light bulbs and there will be no global warming!(Sorry if it is lame but you get what I mean?)

Just waiting for me to finish doing something makes a whole lot of difference in my life. It really is this small little things that are so unforgetable. So small yet so precious. Just like a diamond. No, more precious than diamond.

Just listening to me just being stupid or waiting with me to collect my luggage or trying to cheer me up whenever I'm super moody somehow makes my day. You may think it is such a small act but I really treasure those 'small' acts of random kindness that my friends have done for me. I really am grateful! Thank you!

I know what I say may hurt and cause pain and I can be the most insensitive person in the world. Words really have power, dont they? It can either make or break. I know I say insensitive things and what I have said, I cant take them back. So I am very sorry when I say insensitive things or sarcastic things that makes you feel bad about yourself, I'm very sorry. 　ごめなさい！

2008-08-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO BE A LION!!!

Why? You may ask. Some of you have been seriously asking me why I wanna be a lion. So I will tell you, seriously.

I want to be a lion cause I think a lion has a strong character. And not to mention, he is the King of the jungle too!

I want to be a lion cause I'm not like the lion. I mean, I cant be someone I already am right? And I am not a lion so I want to be a lion. People associate lions with being being brave and courageous. And naturally, I'm not. People who knew me in primary school would describe me as timid and small as a mouse. I dont want to be a mouse! What can it do except hide in a hole whenever danger lurks. A lion would face it head on wouldn't it? A lion would nipped trouble in the butt and not run into a hole whenever the going gets tough. The tough gets going instead.

A lion is confident and strong and I really am nothing like the lion. I cant even roar for goodness sake! Believe me, I've tried. I think what came out was really the squeaking of a mouse. You can never imagine the amount of willpower I have to muster to speak to a crowd. All their eyes focused on you waiting for you to deliver whatever you have to say. I dont want to be so timid. I want to change. And I thought a lion would be a good example for me to follow.

Another reason for wanting to be a lion is that lions are king of the jungle. (that's how people associate them anyway) They command respect and most animals fear them. They are also influential. I dont want people to fear me but I want respect. Dont you think lions have a great set of teeth when they roar? I want to be influential as well cause I want to change the world. I know the first step to changing the world is to change me.
I dont want to be the timid mouse that I am. I want to be a lion. When I roar, I want to be heard.
Of course I do not want to be Aslan like in Narnia. I think he has too much responsibility. Anyway, who wants to be slain on a stone table?
I would be just an normal lion, like in lion king and live on pride rock.

For this reasons, a mouse have to change into a lion.

2008-08-24T03:11:00.000-07:00

MY DAD MY SUPERHERO!

If you ask me who my superhero is, previously I would say, Batman! Afterall, he is so gorgeous! *blushes* But I change my mind. My superhero is my Dad!

Why? You ask.

Cause, whenever I am in distress, my dad somehow or another knows. I will tell him my problem and he will give me words of encouragement or words of wisdom. I look up to my dad. He may not be the perfect dad but I still love him alot! You know, I think that a father's love is the greatest love of all!

I may not know my dad all that well and I seldom see him cause he is always away somewhere in the world, but we are still under the same sky no matter where my dad is. And the sky does remind me of my dad. That's why I love the sky!

You know, my dad do find time to spend time with us and probably knowing that I love to play sports, he bought all of us badminton rackets! So cool right?! I love my racket! It's red and it's my favourite colour! I played with him once and I think he was annoyed that I keep missing the shuttlecock but he was quite patient about teaching me. Hee! Everytime he serve the shuttlecock over to me, I will either missed it or it will hit me on the forehead. And mind you! It was quite painful! And if I manage to hit it, it will fly sideways. Haix! See what a failure at badminton I am? But I love playing badminton! One day I will become a national badminton player! On top of that, I want to be a lion! Dont laugh! I know it's stupid, but a girl can dream right?! If I told my dad, he will probably laugh too but you know what? I know he will support me in his way!

You know, actually, I think all dads love their children. No matter how miser they are or how scary they seem to their children, I'm very sure there is love. I used to think that my dad was scary cause I have seen his scary face and I can never differentiate when he is joking or serious. Even when he is jokingly scolding me by forcing me to eat, I would cry because I am scared of him. Stupid right? I know! Then he will start laughing at me for crying at his joke and he will say I am the first to cry at a joke and he thinks I'm weird. Then I will laugh and cry then he will ask whether I am laughing or crying!

I really thing that my dad is my superhero cause he is able to make me laugh and cry at the same time! He is the only person! That's why I love my dad so much!

Yes, there are times when I feel really angry at my dad, afterall, my dad is still a human and we all make mistakes, and I choose to forgive him so that unforgiveness will not get in the way of our relationship. I think, a relationship is more important than any riches of the world. Call me naive or stupid, I dont care. I cant change how you think. It's your own life afterall. I really am proud of my father! So I will boast however much I want! :)

I'm not only proud of my earthly father, I am also very proud of my heavenly father. Some of you may scorn but he is the one I talk most to! He is my friend and counsellor as well! I dont know how to explain to you guys well and I dont want to preach. All I am saying is, that he is my superhero!

MY SUPERHERO FATHER! :)

2008-08-19T03:32:00.000-07:00

Time and tide waits for no man.

This sucks right?!
So fast and I am already 15 and next year is the dreaded year!
I feel like I'm running a race that I cannot win no matter how fast I run.
It's like chasing Chun ping, Trevor or Dylan.
They are like time and I'm trying to chase them but to no avail.
When I finally am about to catch them, they change direction leaving me in a confuse state.
They are catchable, only not yet, but they can be caught.
Only time eludes me.
And I'm thinking of killing time. Only if I can catch time to kill it.

I realise, when we are short on time, it destroys our sanity and we do things that upset people around us. I told you so's would not bring back lost time. After all, each and everyone of us has 24 hours a day and it is really up to us how we spent it.
Like money coming in each new day, only to be gone whether you have really spent it or not.

It really is like physics I suppose.
When you are pressed for time, like compressed air, you have a greater pressure though you dont go knocking more frequently into walls like air molecules but if you do frequently collide against the wall, then I suggest you see a doctor?
See! We can apply physics to everyday life! :)

2008-08-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, you deprived people! I will update you on the happenings of the past 2 days! Including today.

On Friday, I think I had alot of free time that I did not know what to do with it. Is it good or bad? Bad. -1 point from 0 points.
After school, I forgot why I chased Trevor...but it was fun and he fell down! So funny! +1 point so back to 0
Felt guilty later that he had a blue black. -1 point. haix! Back to negative 1.
Drew on his injured leg! +2 points! So 1 point.
When to coral sec and was super nervous during the game. Called out by coach and he does not allow me to play for the rest. Haix! Stupid nerves. -1 point. Back to 0.
Had time to watch anime after coming back home! +1 point! 1 point.
When to watch movie with korko! He treat! +2 points! 2 points.
He treated me and Sammy to takopachi without the tako! +2! 4 points.
Loved Journey to the centre of the Earth! +2 points! 6 points.
6 points! I suppose it is not really a bad day.

Saturday...tuition in the morn. It's a good thing, I think...so +1! 1 point!
Back home, have to iron so much clothing! -2 points. negative 1 point.
Cannot finish enjoying watching Japanese drama cos have to go grocery shopping with mum. -2 points. Negative 3 points.
Waited a thousand years for mum to choose one stupid orange, dragon fruit, walk around in circles. -2 points. Negative 5 points.
On top of that! No studying done! -2 points. Negative 7.
Bad day.

Today! Can sleep in! +2 points!
Read a chick lit for half the day. +1 point. 3 points.
There was a storm this afternoon and I was kinda scared and amazed at the same time. The storm practically blown me away! So...+1 point. 4 points.
Arrived early for church! Unlike last week. Happy! +2 points! 6 points.
After church, was walking to the bus stop and guess who I saw or rather, who saw me first! Mr Ros! And he remembers my name! He said "Hello Sarah! How are you?" Wow! He can recognise me without uni! Don't know why I am happy but I am! So...+2! 8 points.
Bus took a long time to come. -1 point. 7 points.
I fell in the bus on a lady. And she looked at me with murderous eyes. Why oh why did I not fall into the arms of the cute guy standing there?! Haix! -1. 6 points.
Came back home only to see strangers invading my living space. Argh! Retreated to my room asap. -1 point. 6 points.
Did abit of studying. +1. 7 points.
Dinner was plain rice cos I'm a fussy eater. -1. 6 points.
Oh ya! Someone said she like my shirt! +1! 7 points.
2 people else praise me! +2! 9 points!
Very good day!

My counting skills not bad huh?!
Praise me! Hee! :)
Another 1 point for me!

2008-08-14T04:09:00.000-07:00

My brother was evil yesterday! He watch Japanese drama and I too got adicted to it and so I spent the whole afternoon and night watching finish that drama. In English it is translated to boys over flowers. So damn nice! No netball yesterday cos was the CA week. And and, it was so nice that I just have to watch finish it that I did not study for geography and maths! How evil can my brother get! I couldn't resist the temptation lah!

During math and geog test I had a splitting headache! Couldn't concentrate! I'm screwed! Must have not enough sleep as I slept late last night and my reward for sleeping late is a splitting headache! How nice.

I finally touch my guitar in millions of years and it is out of tune! I tried tuning it myself and it is even more out of tune! Ahhh....stupid! Every single song I tried to play sounds horrible! Roars! Finally so pissed, I decided not to play anymore!

Is a little fun so wrong?
Must I have to mug 24/7?
I'm a human you know!
Not a robot!
Roars!
(Maybe I'm just a robot to you)

2008-08-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

National Day, Shi Jia and Mel came over to my house to play! No, not really...To watch fireworks! Fireworks was disappointing. I expected the flare of colours to set the sky ablaze. But what did I receive instead? Red, and then nothing...why does National Day seems more exciting when you are younger? Every single occasion and festival just seems to excite me when I was much younger. Now, it is nothing but mere disappointment. Is it because my expectations have increase? And my joy have decrease? If it is so, then I rather not grow up. Maybe I will follow peter pan to never never land wherever that is. Maybe I should just become a child again. Yeah, right! If that is ever going to happen. Why is growing up so so scary?!

Well, back to SJ and Mel coming over to my house.
SJ and Mel keep teasing me and I treaten to bring them somewhere and sell them of! When they reach my house they started laughing again! Is my house that funny? My brother's friends must have thought them crazy! Siow cha boh! My brother gave me that quizzical eye and I just shrug my shoulders. I'm amazed at them! They can giggle and one of my brother's friends imitated them and he said something funny!
"Hehehe...what bra cup size is yours?! Mine is B!"
LOL!
That joker!
My brother playfully scolded his friend and SJ and Mel laughed even harder.
I think SJ must have drunk kickapoo b4 she came over to my house! No wonder she is so hyper! I can only laugh at SJ and Mel's silliness! So funny! Then we started throwing eraser! How primary school can we get man! So stupid lah! But I seriously enjoyed myself laughing! I must have a very healthy body if I laugh this much every single day! Lol! SJ, Mel, go join the laughter club!

National Day!

2008-08-09T01:16:00.000-07:00

Hey people! Like me be patriotic or right! It's National day afterall!

Well, I'm glad I was born in Singapore! There may be times when I wish I was born somewhere else like Australia or Japan or something. But, this was where I was born, where my friends and family are! Haha! Sorry bear with me alright! I can see you rolling your eyes!

But seriously lah! I am always just glad to be back home after a few days overseas. Nothing is as sweet as home sweet home you know! I always love to be back at home and can be really lazy to leave the house. Cause at home, I can truly be, just me! It may not be the best, but it is good enough for me. I'm just really glad that I have a home to stay, a nation to belong to. Just simply somewhere I can call home!

2008-08-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

On Teusday I went for supper with my dad! And we ate chao tao kway! My favourite tibit since young! So yummy! We ate at the beach! Favourite hang out to just think! But it was just great talking to my dad! I found out something about my dad!

He was an introvert!!!

When he told me, I was soo shock! Look at my dad, he is so talkative and friendly now! I cannot imagine him being that shy and quiet! Wow! I mean...I never thought my dad was anthing but shy and bashful!

I guess me and my dad had something in common. Would you believe me if I told you I was very shy and I still am though lesser now. Heh! Dont believe then ask Qing wei! He should know. I really am shy and my dad used to be soo shy last time also.

I remember my friend told me that a classmate of mine do not like me cause she thinks I am proud and arrogant cause I do not interact with them. Yea, I guess it does look that way to an outsider. It's just that I am shy and I dont randomly talk to anybody! If someone were to randomly talk to me I would think that person is weird. I mean someone I do not know.

My dad told me he hated himself then. His shy, introverted self. I wanted to hi-five my dad! I feel that way too. I always admire people who are able to carry themselves well and just can be friendly with almost anybody! Even strangers! Like my dad now!
When I was p4, he randomly talked to some boys at a camp that I was going to! I was super embarrassed lah! He asked them about the camp food and he even asked them to protest to the people running the camp to change the menu! I was just standing there and was thinking "Dad, can we go! Please!" Sometimes I feel super embarrassed with my dad! I dont even know who those guys are and he just go and talk to them?!
Can you imagine my dad was ever an introvert? I cant! I seriously cant!
But its true, I do not like the me in primary school. The shy person that I was. I think my classmates must have thought that I was mute! I admired Audrey especially. I was amazed that she can be so talkative and so brash! She can talk and talk and talk and I cant even interupt! So if there are people that I dont really know. I'm glad that she is at my side! Her talkativeness takes over.

In secondary school, I guess I think I have change, if not much, atleast a little. I dont want to be mute. I wanted to make friends and just talk randomness. I know talkative people gets scolding from teachers cause they basically talk too much! Hee! :) I'm trying to change, but sometimes, I'm still very shy. Believe me or not, making friends is not an easy feat for me. It takes alot of courage for me to talk to one person let alone a whole group of people! That is why I am always a bundle of nerves whenever I have to do presentations. But I'm glad that I have some encouragement from my friend! I really just dont have the courage but I told myself I have to change. I dont want people to think of me as proud and arrogant. But I'm also scared to be so talkative and outgoing cause I'm afraid people will also think I'm proud and arrogant. Haix! Can I ever win? Maybe I'm just afraid of what people thinks of me. *sigh*

2008-08-06T06:03:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING TO GET A KNIFE READY AND BUTCHER SOMEONE TOMORROW! HAHAHA! *GRINS* I'M GONNA GET PORK RIBS TOMORROW! WAIT! I DONT LIKE PORK RIBS! BUT NEVER MIND! I WILL GET TO BUTCHER SOMEONE! HEHEHE! *GRINS EVILY*

2008-08-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

The bitterness of unsecrurity
is like sour acid
that corrodes and destroys
the soul

2008-08-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

Fire...destroys and protects...to me fire is fire. I have not known it as anything else. Maybe...it destroys more than it protects...destroying lives.

The first fire I saw was the red fire in my mother's eyes glaring into the cool fire of my father's eyes. And I...I was caught in the middle of fire. Hot tears running down my cheeks scarring my eyes. Nothing else...

The sound of laughter woke me from my reverie, the dream happened so long ago and yet, it still burns me like fire.

"Ari! Come on out! The stars are so beautiful!" gushed my younger sister, Alanta.

I dragged myself from the table and went outside. It was truly as my sister had said, the night sky was filled with stars but it was only a facade of peace.

(a short except of a story I'm working on. hee!:)

2008-08-03T03:04:00.000-07:00

ばか！ばか！ばか！さっみばか！

2008-08-02T02:20:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO KILL EVERY SINGLE BLOOD SUCKING MONSTERS THAT ARE SUCKING THE VERY LIFE OUT OF ME!! WHY DONT YOU JUST GO AND BE EXTINCT OR SOMETHING! ANNOYING! ARGH!

2008-08-01T04:40:00.000-07:00

This was a conversation during training....between me and Marilyn...

Marilyn-" I like your ball!"

Me-" Why, thank you! But I am a girl."

Marilyn-"No! No! I dont mean that 'ball'!"

Laugh if you think its funny and dont laugh if you dont.
But I laughed!

I got a sweat band from my coach! Apparantly I have to use it during training. Super weird!

2008-07-31T03:27:00.000-07:00

こにちわ！わたひさら！(Hello! I am Sarah!)

I'm so proud of myself! I am finally able to figure out how to change the language thingy! It took me 'years'! So I am so proud to be able to do it so I am showing off to you now! Be proud of me! :p

2008-07-31T03:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry, sorry I was being very irritable today. And as Shi Jia said, I was really cranky. Sorry for being so moody. I did not even realise that I was moody until Shi Jia asked me whether something happen yesterday.
No. It was not because of yesterday. Maybe I am just feeling very stress.
Sorry, Shi jia that I was such a boring person and sorry Aaron for asking you to shut up during SPA. But you are really very annoying leh. You keep talking in that girly voice of yours and imitating me is super annoying! Maybe, I am not so sorry after all! Heh! :)

2008-07-30T03:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I must say. Training was a breeze! Yea, there is still some drop balls on my part and yes I feel bad about it but its done so no crying over spilled milk!

After training, coach gathered us and asked, "Who do you think is the best player?"
Most people said this girl and I just agreed. Not that I dont have brains of my own, it is just that I really think so.

The next question he asked, "Who do you think is your weakest player and should be dropped-out of next Friday's game?"
Immediately I knew the answer.
Me.
He asked some people and they said me.
He even asked me.
I did not say anyone as who was there to say except me?

I cant say that I am not upset cause I really am.
I'm not angry at them.
Dont get me wrong.
If I have to be angry, it would be myself.
Instead, I'm really glad that they told the truth.
I wouldn't want them to be lying.
But, you know what?
I am not stressing over it.
I do agree with them that I am weak and I already expected their answer.
I'm going to use this setback as my advantage.
I'm going to prove them wrong.
Next time my coach ask this question, I would not be on their minds.
I'm going to be good. If not, the best. (can I make such a boast?)
I choose to dance instead of sitting it out. (Evan, are you proud of me? Hee!):)

Good, better, best
never let it rest
until your good is better
and your better, best

My coach said something, "You are only as strong as your weaker players."
I dont really understand. Even after he explain, I still dont understand.
I hope I will be able to understand it soon.

I think netball, is like a dance.
Maybe you wont see it but it is a haphazard dance which does have a pattern.

During training, we did a drill that has us turning and catching the ball.
Quite funny actually and it looks like we were doing ballet!

Overall, I'm just glad that I have the truth.
Jiayou me!

Incentives for doing sit-ups:
Put chocolates between my knees!

I just read something!
It takes 43 muscles to frown but only 17 to smile!
I'm sooo going to smile! :)

2008-07-29T06:08:00.000-07:00

I miss my dear brother too! Read his post on how he misses us while me and sis were staying at my grandmother's house.

Oh yes, I do miss my brother. Lots!
I think I would miss him even more when he goes of to the army next year.
How I wish next year never comes.
Scary how 'next year' sounds.

I would probably miss my brother's protectiveness, his word of advice whenever I have troubles, maybe I will miss him calling "Maria! Pour me a cup of water!" or "I'm hungry! Cook noodles for me!" probably I will miss it. I dont know. Would I? Would I miss being a maid? LOL! Maybe not! Heh!
Maybe its his presence at home and his obsession with Japanese which has slowly become mine.
It's amazing how your elder siblings are able to inspire you, to be like them or in the worse case, to be not like them.
But my brother has inspire me in good ways. Like for example, to study hard and play hard! I really think I'm gonna miss his words of encouragement lah!

Oh, kor! When ya gonna get a girlfriend? I will help you tell her that you like strawberries! Hehe!

I'm so ever glad that i have an elder brother!

2008-07-29T05:42:00.000-07:00

I want to thank my mother.
Maybe I should thank her more often than complaining.
Well, for starters,
my mum came back from Thailand last night or was it morning? Whatever.
She bought a new watch and I thought maybe it was for me.
So I asked and she said no.
Well, I got upset.
and after school, she asked me if I really wanted the watch and I said yes.
Then she offered to trade.
I agreed readily.
I want to thank my mother cause she take notice of what I like. (sometimes)
So I am really glad!
And she bought me a water bottle!
I may not like it but, its the thought that counts!
She also cook more porridge for me when I said I wanted more to go with the heavenly mince meat my grandmother cook!
Happy!
She actually bought alot of things for me and my sis!
Like socks, slippers and other things I would not care to mention,
But it really far exceeds my expectations!
I did not really expect her to buy me anything so at least I'm not disappointed.

I really should have little or no expectations and then at least I would not be disappointed.
My brother was right, expectations kills. It makes one weary and weak and very moody.

I should really start taking notice of all the good things my mum does for me instead of all the wrongs.

Give thanks with a grateful heart
give thanks for what's been given...

But sometimes it's so hard to give thanks when everything is just not going your way. When the world seems to be conspiring against you.

But I want to learn to give thanks even when the rain falls and the sky amass with thunderous clouds, I will learn to give thanks with a grateful heart.

I love batman! He's my knight in shiny black cape driving a cool car! Not any knight in shiny underwear! Hmph!

2008-07-27T02:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry! Never post for 3 days le. But I know you guys will forgive me! :) Heheh! Been staying at my grandmother's house cause my mum is in Thailand dont know do what. Cant be bothered. So today I sneak home to get A-maths file cause tomorrow need to bring and get the opportunity to use the com! Man! I miss my com lah! I almost want to name it but I think not. It will just be 'my com'. So yeah, I probably wont be posting until Tuesday. Till I return home.

I wanted to stay at home with my brother but then my mum dont allow. Saying I am very irresponsible.Whatever. Give me all the excuses saying who will cook or who will throw the rubbish out. Saying I will burn the house down if I cook. Roars! I must be super to be burning the house down. Oh, yeah! I like batman! He's my favourite superhero! So cool in that black cape!(gushes) Sorry, just being random! Heh!

But staying at my grandmother's house has its perks too! Like my grandmother will go to the market early in the morning to buy breakfast for me when my sis and I are still sleeping. So sweet of her! Finally a change from the usual of bread and bread and more bread at home! Now, before you chastise me about thinking about the poor in Africa. Stop. Hold your tongue. Cause I do think of the poor and I know they would be jumping for joy at the sight of bread but I'm just seriously sick of bread. I could just die eating bread. Okay, so I am exaggerating but you too would be sick of bread if you eat it every single morning! Case closed! No arguments!

What I am really trying to say is that I really appreciate my grandmother and it makes me miss the times when I was younger and stayed at her house for the whole week only going back home on the weekends. Oh ya! My grandmother showed me pictures of her when she was younger and she herself said she was ugly. Well, I tried to say that she was not but she kept insisting that she was. It was really funny! Oh yea! She also showed me a picture of my grandfather when he was younger. HE IS SO HANDSOME!!! Seriously! I always thought my grandfather was handsome when he was old but when he is younger, he is absolutely GORGEOUS!
SHI JIA! I think my grandfather is much more handsome than Mr Ari or your cute manager at BK! I'm not joking!
If only my grandfather was a whole lot younger. I would definitely fall head over heels in love! Heheh! :)

Well, I remember in the past, my grandfather would let me play with water whenever my grandmother is not at home. Then I would pretend that I own a restaurant which only serves water and my grandfather was my only customer. LOL! I really had fun playing with him. And it makes me miss him sooo much. I remember he caned my brother for putting mattresses on top of me and sitting on the mattress and I cried and so he came out with the cane and caned my brother for making me cry. Actually, it was my fault lah, cause I accepted the dare from my brother but I realised that I was not daring enough. See, how much my grandfather loves me! I feel bad that my brother got caned but that's not the point! Hehe! I really really miss my grandfather. This are just some incidents, there are more but I cant remember. But I feel that my grandfather really loves me too!

God! I miss him soo much! Please take care of him dear God.
I Love my handsome, gorgeous, caring and humble grandfather!
(I like batman too!) :)

2008-07-23T04:54:00.000-07:00

Am I stupid or what?

I can't believe I broke under the stress. Crying infront of so many people. So embarrassing! Some more my coach already told all of us not to cry infront of your team mates. Cause crying is contagious between girls.

I cried because I was so angry with myself. I have to start catching the ball properly and throw properly. Every single ball I dropped would be another 5 push ups added at the end of the day. I berated myself for every single ball I did not catched. My coach too believe in the one for all and all for one. I felt soo stress that I was the caused for the tiring push ups.

My coach tried to console me saying that I have improve alot since last year. I don't know if he is only saying that.

I feel so tired just by doing a few miserable 'squares'. I really have dropped. My coach scolded me for not running the last few miserable cm. And, yes I realised my mistakes and yet I keep doing it again. I'm okay with my coach scolding me like that. It only makes me want to work harder to prove to him that I can change. He had expectations of me that I could not meet and he was greatly disappointed. I feel bad.

Sometimes, I learn to not expect anything cause expectation kills. I will only be disappointed. I have expectations of myself as well. And sometimes, I can't meet my own expectations and I feel like shit. Useless and stupid.

But I guess with expectations, it will drive one to work hard.

I never expected her to say sorry and I did not even realised that she was mad at me. I was too caught up in my own anger at myself for being so weak. I guess it took a lot of effort to say sorry. I don't know why we have fallen out as friends. I haven't a clue. Maybe, we change and we don't like how each other have changed. A silent consent to stop being friends I suppose. But for the times that she was my friend, I was really grateful. I was happy. It gives me the strength to continue.

I guess she had a right to be angry. I mean, I would too if a weaker player is messing everything up and just causing us to fail. I would be angry. But anyway, I was really really surprised and glad nonetheless that she said sorry. Thank you. Thank you for being my friend the past 2 years and thanks for sticking by me, even as clumsy as I am. Thank you.

Friendship

2008-07-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

What do you think friendship is all about?

Well, I think friendship is where you can make fun of each other and dont really mind at all. Cause these people are your friends! Ya lah, we can complain like, "Eh, you very bad!" but no one really cares cause you are friends. Its okay to tease each other and also knowing where the line is drawn.

I agree with this statement that a friend is someone you like and you trust. It really summarises the whole meaning of friendship.

Trust is an important thing between friends. And I guess that trust takes time to build up and so easy to destroy. Don't you think its funny? Something so hard to be build up should also be hard to destroy. But it is not like that for trust.

Yes, I must admit that I sometimes don't trust my friends. It makes me very superficial, I know. I also can be very paranoid, thinking that my friends hate me or something like that. I wonder why should I think like that especially when they are my friends. I mean, afterall, a friend is someone you like. I know it hurts my friends to think that I mistrust them and dont believe them. Cause I would hurt as well, if my friends were to tell me that they dont trust me.

I dont believe that friendship should be superficial. I believe that I should tell my friends how I feel about them but sometimes, there is my ego that I must overcome. Though, sometimes, it really really hurts to know what people think of you sometimes, but we learn I guess. Together we grow. But, I really believe that people will appreciate honesty. When we are really honest with our feelings and not try to cover them up with superficiality. The world is as superficial as it is already. And honesty is not something we come by every single day. Yes, it's hard to be honest, no? I myself have troubles with being honest. Yes the truth hurts, no? But I guess we grow as we are honest to ourselves as well and we feel a weight lifted from us.

It makes me really glad that I had time to talk to Shi Jia after school today. I know she really hates hypocrites and I really dont want her to hate me. I treasure her friendship too much. I got the chance to tell her what I think about her sometimes. Like how I feel she does not like me sometimes. I know its so stupid and I was really embarrassed to be admitting this to her. I felt like a fool lah! It's me just being paranoid and it is only me being very superficial. And I know it hurts lah...why does the truth always hurt?

I'm really sorry that I did not trust her.

I'm really glad that I told shi jia all this things cause it's like a burden lifted from me. I don't want to create a wall between us called the wall of superficiality. I want to be able to talk freely and normally like friends. And I, I must learn to be more trusting if I say that I treasure friendship.

Sometimes, I wonder why am I holding onto this anger and talking behind my friends back when I say I really treasure friendship? I'm just lying to myself ain't I? Why do I have to do things behind my friends back if I treasure their friendship? Why am I like this?

I want to be able to trust Dylan, Chun ping, Aaron and Trevor. But like I said earlier, trust takes time. I really don't know how much I can trust you guys now. I'm sorry. But I really enjoy their friendship a whole lot. School has become much more interesting this past few days due to your constant jokes at the expense of myself. And like I said, friends are really people you can joke with and not really mind cause they are your friends and you like them!

You know, if you take away the 'R' in the word friend, it becomes fiend. Which means 'a diabolically cruel or wicked person' And obviously, no one like a cruel or wicked person. 'R' is like trust, and no relationship can sustain if there is no trust.

It reminds me that in primary school that I used to asked people to fill in my autograph book and at the end of 'likes' and 'favourites', there will be a poem page. I can't remember the poem, but it goes something like that, ' The king has a ship, the queen has a ship, I have a ship and that is friendship!' Lame, I know but it's so important to have friends! I really can't do without my friends!

2008-07-18T00:48:00.000-07:00

I just read and e-mail from my brother.

I don't know but its the first time I received an e-mail from him! I'm totally surprise!

It was an e-mail calling for my understanding. I feel really touch. I don't know but I just am.

I totally understand why he does not allow me to use his study table. I'm really fine with it. I mean its his final year and I really want him to do well in his exams. It hurts to see my brother sad.

Yes. I must admit that I am jealous that my brother gets the good stuff. While all I get are pass-me-downs. Its annoying but I learn to live with it. It does seem that my parents favour my brother more than me. But no matter how hard we try to deny, I'm sure there is some part of us that prefers one person to the other. A teacher cant say I dont show favouritism cause its like in us. But I guess we can try to hide it by trying to be fair to everyone else. So I dont really blame my parents for being unfair but there are times when I just get really annoyed and I wonder why is the world so damn unfair.

When I was younger, I wished that my brother was never born and I am the first born. But that feeling has change. I'm sooo glad now that my brother is the first born. He experience everything first hand. Like for example, being caned! So its not so bad. I also learn fro my brother mistakes so I would not make them myself. And it's just great to have an older brother as I realised that some of my friends wished that that they had elder brothers. My older brother protects me and he really cares for me alot I'm sure. That's why its great to have and older brother!

Yea, I may get angry and jealous, but I just get over it after all there are there are times when I dont receive hand-me-downs.

Yes, I must admit that I find it annoying that my brother would be using my laptop whenever I want to use it but it also serves a good purpose for me. It prevents me from wasting my time on the computer and spent productive time studying. So I learn to accept it sometimes. I may complain but I am secretly glad that he is using it, preventing me from wasting my time. Anyway, he needs it more than I do. he needs it for project work and what do I do on the computer? Blog, read manga, watch animé and chat on msn?

I really thank God that I have an older brother like him. He really cares and sometimes he serves as an inspiration to me. I love my older brother!

2008-07-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

Did I ever like volleyball that much during that time when Mr Ros teaching us how to play volleyball?

If I did, I dont remember.

Man! PE today was fun! Volleyball! U have to play volleyball with the volleyball! Not soccer with the volleyball!
I dont know why but soccer is the only sports that does not interest me. Just like golf. Maybe I dont get the hang of dribbling the ball. I'll just end up chasing the ball!

LOL! Sore arms! I dont care! As long as I am able to do something that I enjoy, I'm willing!

Maybe my interest in volleyball now is also due to the fact that I am reading a manga, Crimson Hero.

Its bout volleyball and the will of the main character to play volleyball no matter what. She was faced with challenges but she overcame them to play volleyball. So I wonder, is volleyball that great? I guess it must have meant alot to her as she have to take over her parents tea house once she graduate and would not be able to play volleyball anymore.

Boo! Shi jia keeps teasing me bout my knight in shining underwear! Wearing a tight fit! Roars! When have my fantasy change into knights in shining underwear's? And calling from the bottom of my HDB flat asking me to let down my laundry clothes? Huh? Is this some modern fairytale? LOL!

That Shi Jia! She really have some imagination over there! How romantic is a man in underwear? Seriously! Eww...not envisioning it! Gross!

2008-07-16T03:29:00.000-07:00

I SO HAPPY!!! There is a rainbow in the Sky!
Rainbows just makes me so happy!
God really knows how to cheer me up when he knows I'm down!
Oh God! Thank you soo MUCH!
I have waited long for the rainbow!
And It finally appeared in the sky!
Oh, God, how did you know?!

I'm so cheered up by the appearance of the rainbow!
I'm so happy!
No words can express my joy!
You must think that I am an idiot
But I was feeling emo just now
and God really knows how I feel
He sent a rainbow to cheer me up!

I'm just soo excited! Nature never fails to amaze me! Dont you think rainbows are a phenomenon? Even though they are created when light passes through water. Isn't it simply amazing that a single drop of water can be so beautiful, when light shines through it. I would never have thought a drop of water so beautiful that it creates a rainbow!

2008-07-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

Warning: I'm going to emo so dont read if you dont like to read emo stuff but I really need to get it out of my system.

Haven't really felt like myself this past few days. Feeling very lethargic. I must be crazy of thinking of jumping infront of a car and let it hit me. But I am too much of a coward to do that so I won't go jumping infront of cars. Nothing really amuse me this past few days. Maybe I'm still shaken for being late for church. I'm just glad Evan waited for me. Just feel very empty. How can the sky this morning be so blue and calm went my life is not? I would have preferred it to rain to match my mood. Maybe I need to sleep. Sometimes I wonder why am I doing the things I am doing? What is my purpose of doing? I wish there was training today. But I understand my coach has something on and I'm glad he bought for us pizza even though it was filled with chilli, the thought really counts. He is really not a bad coach. He shouts and push us cause he wants us to win as much as we want to win. Maybe during training I wont feel so lethargic and stupid. At least I have a goal to focus on. To sweat out the tiredness. I really dont mind stinking like a pig after training. When I exercise, I dont think much. I just focus on what I am doing. I really love netball. The feeling of the ball in my palms. I dont know, it just feels great. I guess my love for the game is enough to pull me through the loneliness I feel. Though it takes a lot of courage. I hope PE tomorrow will be full of running.

2008-07-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

I was reading through my old diaries just now and I am surprise at how much I have grown from the me of the past and the me of the now. In my past diaries, I made so many spelling mistakes that it was horrendous! The insecurities I feel when I was in primary school, the sadness and anger have not really left me. My handwriting was atrocious as well! So big and ugly!

My past crushes and blushes. It's funny now as I read as how I gushed over a guy. And my brother was right. It was just infatuation. At that time, I didn't see it that way. I saw it as the love of my life or something like that. I must have been too naive. And the endless teasing I received from my brother when he learned I used to have a crush on this guy.
"Kiefer the kisser kiss Sarah seah!" And I would scream at my brother to stop saying that! Haha! I only liked him in primary four which is how many years ago? 5 years ago! I mean, he is my classmate since primary 1 to primary four so how can I not like him especially when I have seen him so vulnerable before. He fell when roller blading down the hill and cried. It's funny! I wanted to laugh but I quickly cycled home to get help. I'm really not a sadist, but at primary four, you will really want to laugh at something like that but come to think of it. I am still laughing now as I recall that incident. I already told him it was dangerous to roller blade down the hill but he still insisted that it was fun so serve him right I guess! Now, I remember him as the ants eating guy, spitting Silvia guy and the guy who helped me repair my toy dog. LOL!

I remember as how I would always turn to my diary and start penning down or my happiness, my sadness, my insecurities on how I thought people hated me for something I did and I dont even know where I have gone wrong. My hurts when my friends left me out. Aiya, just insecurities lah! But there are also lots of happy moments too!

Like when I acted as baby rockstar from goldilocks and the 3 bears but just changing it to bouncylocks and the rockstar family in a skit or when I acted as the evil witch in Repunzel. I was happy when my friends praised me that my evil laughter was really convincing. I really sounded like a real witch! All these are moment when I can never forget! P6 graduation night, I remember the hunted house which was not so scary. Somebody made us touch goey stuff and they hung floating things around. My friend Audrey I guess was annoyed that thing keeps getting into her face that she pulled on that dangling thing and it broke! Lol! So funny lah! I think the person who was managing the hunted house was annoyed that we were not only scared but Audrey broke one of his "toys"! LOL! I remember Audrey saying, "See if you can scare us again! hmph!" HAHA!

And the barbecue at my form teacher's condo! She treated us to barbecue cause we all past our PSLE and when into the express stream! As usual, I did not eat any fried chicken. Too messy and oily for me. I ate alot of sausage! It was really fun lah! And the joy that my friends were going to be in the same secondary school with me made me cant wait for the new year! A whole new chapter of my teenage life awaited me in secondary school!

But now, I really miss those days. The stupid things I did and did not even realise they are stupid until I take a step back and realised just how immature I was. Though I cant claim that I am very mature now, just slightly matured. I mean, I'm sure there is always still a kid inside of us that makes us do silly things once in a while like wearing rabbit ears! Lol!

2008-07-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

I think my brother and I are super crazy!

"Korko, I like to touch your chest!" (me)

"Come on and touch, later I can touch yours okay?!" (Brother)

"Hentai! Pervert!" (me)

2008-07-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting on the bus home from tuition, I turned my head away from the window and I saw an unzipped pants! I am soo embarrassed for that person. I mean, I cant just go up to that stranger and say, "Umm...excuse me but you did not zip up." That person is going to be soo embarrassed la.

I love this song by Casting Crowns-Praise you in the storm.

The chorus really touch my heart and speaks alot to me.

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Whenever I feel so lost and so helpless, I will just remember this song lyrics. I want to be able to praise God even in the storms of life whenever things just dont go my way and when I feel so unlucky as if the universe conspire against me. I'll learn to praise God in the storm. To thank him in the good and bad times.

You know, in the eye of the storm is the place where it is the calmness.(is it spelled like that?) I would be perfectly safe in the eye of the storm. As long as God is in the eye of the storm, I really have nothing to fear. I would be able to keep my dignity and soar like an eagle. The King of birds...

2008-07-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

I wonder how my brother is able to write such blog post with so much inticacy it makes me feel so inadequate. Somehow his post seems so real, so alive in a way i suppose. Sometimes I suppose I really do feel so inadequate beside my brother. So useless. Even shit has its usefulness.

Even if I were to go to a JC, I dont think I would past my first science test. It makes me wonder why I took pure science in the first place. So I would feel that I would be able to match up? To cover my lack of talents? I really dont know. Reasons that I dont care to admit even to myself. Reasons I am ashamed of.

My brother's flare in writing makes me feel like an amature. I am not even able to convey feelings onto paper properly. The words will just get jumbled up and it takes on a whole new meaning on its own. I dont even know how to put forth a stupid argument. My dad would say, use your brother for an example.

I admire my brother's dignity. His ability to somehow quench a storm or just make it milder. His ability to talk in the right way that makes everyone's eye shine with respect and admiration for him. I just feel like a babbling fool. I cant even convey my anger the right way. I really want my brother's dignity rather than have me shouting whenever things irritates me. I feel disgusted with myself, my weaknesses, my inability.

I dont hate my brother. Dont get me wrong. I really love him with all my heart for he really takes care of me and protecting me from my mother's wrath but I cant help being jealous. I hate being jealous. It's a horrible feeling. I dont like it. I want to get rid of it.

2008-07-09T05:02:00.000-07:00

I saw a note left under my desk cover...hmm...

"Try catching us if you can!"
Zha
Man

Someday, guys! Someday I will catch you! When I can run hundred kilometres per hour!

I was soo careless! I did not see the ball coming towards me until it was too late. It smack into my face and my spectacle and the nose pad broke. How nice. How could I not see the ball? It was also raining and we cant do much of training so coach let us go home early. Felt kinda weird. Is there some connection between the weather and my spectacle breaking? Anyway, not complaining. I get to go home early.

I went into the boys toilet today. Shi jia and Tez dragged me in! They dared me to go in! Man! I'm embarrassed by them. Why in the world do I have crazy friends who goes to the boys toilet so unlike any normal girl?! I just want to get out of the boys toilet as soon as possible! Not that there is any stench but I wish there was so I can use it as an excuse to get out.

Haiz! I guess in life I have to do some crazy things and gan shou as liu lao shi said. But I dont think she referred to entering the boys toilet!

So cool! I love my brother! He found some really cool Japanese website where I can learn to read and write Japanese! I wanted to learn as long as I first started watching bleach! First I must learn hiragana. I only know how to write my name in Katakana. Oh well, I will take my time and learn.

2008-07-07T04:46:00.001-07:00

Dear heavenly father,

I thank you for youth day where I can spent the day with my friends! I thank you for all the friends you have given me and I know that they are not coincidences. You have planned for all of them to come into my life and I thank you for all the happy moments we all have together.

I thank you for Shi Jia, Tezella, Melanie and Eunice. Even though sometimes we hurt each other un knowingly and we get pissed with each other but Lord, help us to continue to stay as friends and help us to be true to each other. Speaking up our own feelings and just being able to trust each other. When we are angry at each other, help us to just tell each other and be true to each other.

Lord, I also want to thank you for my new friends also! I want to thank you for Dylan, Chun ping, Trevor and Aaron and Jia Jin also lah! We may not have talked to each other in sec 2 but I thank you that we are friends this year. I really really enjoy all their friendship! I pray Lord that you will continue to sustain our friendship Lord. Help us to have more and more happy moments together.

Each and everyone of their friendships are so very important to me Lord, and I care so much for them. I want to protect them from hurt but I am not that great lah so Lord, please protect each and everyone of them for me. Watch over their hearts Lord. Heal each and everyone of the wounds they suffer in silence. Help us to forgive each other of the hurt we have cause each other and lord, most importantly, help us to forgive ourselves. It takes courage lord to forgive ourselves cause we believe that we must punish ourselves for the wrong we have committed to each other. Give us the courage to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. It is not easy Lord, but with your help, we will be able to forgive cause you have already forgiven each and everyone of us. I know Lord that you care for all my friends as much as I do. Thats why you died for all of us!

Lord, I thank you for Shi Jia. I thank you that she will help me out whenever I need help and she listens to me when I just need to let my frustration out. Thank you Lord that she also do crazy things with me like screaming at the top of our voices at the beach. Or just singing songs at the top of our voices without a care for what the world thinks of our voices. (no matter how horrible sounding it is) Thank you lord that she is willing to go out with me whenever things just go crazy at home and when I just need to get out of the house, I am so glad that she will go out with me and let me just vent all my pent up frustration of my life. And when my brother friends come over and i dont wanna meet any of them cause I am shy, I thank you that she agree to go out with me to anywhere. Thank you lord for her. I know that sometimes she may be angry at me but I pray Lord that she will forgive me and I also pray lord that you will help me forgive her also lah. Aiya, overall, I really love her lah! So lord, I pray that you will sustain our friendship in grace and truth.

Lord, I also thank you for Tezella. In sec 1, when I first saw her, I said to myself that I wanna be her friend and she is really my friend! She very fun to be with! She is my loud mouth friend! She really love animals as much as I do or maybe even more. I thank you for her cause we can save the animal planet together! She also very good at organizing things so if we want to have an outing we can trust her to plan it all! She is also very considerate and she thinks about others so she is a very nice person! So Lord, I pray that you will bless her and gaurd her heart. I love her lah and she is very important to me also!

I thank you for Melanie also lah! She may be whiny and sometimes I get very irritated with her whining but aiya, I love her lah...she got alot of cute things to look at and the food she buy all very nice! She also got sweet to wake all of us up when lessons gets boring!

Eunice is my new friend lord, I dont really know her in sec 2 but she is a very nice person. She is really understanding and a very nice person. Thank you lord! My new friend!

Thank you also for Dylan! Even though he is always 'looking down' on me but whatever lah! He is still a very nice person. Even though he claims to be mature...hmm...but aiya, you know right God, he is still a child in your sight. I'm so glad he likes guitars! I can talk guitar with him. I wanna be as good a guitar player as him! Thank you lord, his english is also very good then I can talk english with him and see who is much better!

Thank you also for Chun ping lah! He very funny! He makes me laugh alot! He is also kinda like an older brother lah! He is quite caring. So I really thank you Lord for his caring nature. And Lord, I wanna catch him someday soon! I wanna be able to out run him! I wanna be a faster runner. I want to be able to catch him! I will be able to catch him someday right lord? Thank you lord that he is also very sporty. Sometimes he show off abit lah but never mind lah, he is sporty and fun to hang around. And Lord, I dont ever want to go to his gym training! It is sooo tough! I have to sprint, drop, push up and sprint! So tiring!

Trevor, the chairman of my class is quite useless but he is soo funny. He talks alot of nonsense lah and sometimes I really dont know what he is talking about. He also very random I have learnt today. The random guy! Maybe, I should call him the random guy! The random BB guy! Oh God! Bless him!

Oh lord, and Aaron, he is sometimes really irritating so i have to slap him. Please forgive me. But he is so soft cause he is made of fats! I like to punch him! So fun to punch him! He is scared of me now and covers his face whenever he is near me in fear! So funny! But he is very irritating! But he is also a very happy person and I like his happiness! Happiness is contagious! He makes me laugh! Lord, you know, we keep making fun of him, saying he is fat then he will say where got fats its muscles! haha! He is fat but dont wanna admit! Thank you lord for him also lah!

Jia Jin, I only got to know him this year. He very uncle leh! But he is okay lah.

Overall, thank you a million times but no words can express my gratitude for giving me fun loving friends! Oh lord, help us to forever be friends and accept each other faults.

I pray all this In Jesus name.
Amen!

2008-07-05T05:21:00.000-07:00

My chin hurts from yesterday's 'chicken wing' from my brother! We were play fighting and I keep punching his arm and he wanted to use his elbow to hit my arm and instead it landed on my chin! So pain lah! And his excuse is, I am too short. What was that suppose to mean man! My own brother thinks I am short! What is the world coming to?!

Spring Cleaning!

2008-07-05T01:05:00.000-07:00

Woah! My room now super spacious! With that huge gigantic bed that I never ever used gone I have so much space that I cant believe it!

Korko dismantle the whole double bed and mum paid him 25 bucks. Cheap labour. But Korko was happy with all the metal and wood to sell to earn more money. Whatever he does with the wood I dont care! Just get rid of the space clutter. I must have been so stupid to choose a double bed to sleep in when I was younger. In a moment of folly, I was overjoyed with the bed but I did not realise that it took so much space and singapore is already small enough. So much wood to just make a bed. So many trees killed! I must be a tree killer! OMG! I'm not going to buy anymore wood stuff no matter how nice it is.

I was going through all the things that I have kept since long ago and I threw away lotsa things. My mother said I was very wasteful to throw away. I have no used of it of course throw away lah! If not then recycle. If I keep every single thing, there will not be enough space no matter whether the huge bed is gone or not. Its not that I dont feel bad about throwing away usable things, but seriously, why not give it to charity mah. Atleast it will be put into go use. Rather than leave it in the cupboard and collect dust. Man! I wish my mum will stop bringing up the past. I've heard enough of her past stories about how poor she was to last me a life time. Sheesh!

At least I am sentimental enough to keep birthday cards and notes and definitely my dairies.

Aa...aa....chooo...sorry...dust flying around.

2008-07-04T03:38:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy today!

Coach praised me!

He said I am getting stronger!

I used to be the weakest, but now he says I am improving! And he seldom praise people so it is like an honour!

As long as someone believes in my abilities, I will work my hardest no matter what so as to not disappoint that person. Even though coach did scold me today, because I threw the ball behind the person. But its okay! I learn from my mistake and I am not going to let him down.

Having someone believing in me makes me wanna do my very best! To give all I've got! I ain't going to get any better if I dont push myself.

I love sports!

Whenever I stand in court now, I play to win! I'm not a loser who stands in the court and expects to lose. I have change. I dont play to lose but I play to win!

Sports can really build up character and resilience. I like running cos I think better when I run. When I am angry with people or why some things have to happen to me, when I run, I am like an outsider analysing my own life. When I look from the outside in, I see a whole new picture. I see now is two pictures in one.

2008-07-03T03:03:00.000-07:00

There must be some detergent somewhere that allows me to wash my mind! *searching* Haix! Cant find it!

My ears are hearing to many things that I shouldn't be hearing! Wait...goodness! Did I just type ears?

Ahh...I need a super strong detergent!!! Fast!!!

Today's ERS was super funny!!! I didnt know one can enjoy staying back in school to do homework! Aaron, Trevor and Dylan carried Abid and wanted to pillar him??? Whatever! But it was a very funny sight!

After ERS, Trevor and Aaron was demonstrating Trevor's heavenly blessings that comes from a bird. LOL! Sorry Trevor, Going to embarrass you further.

Shi Jia started talking about bird on the head!

Cant finish this post! Laughing too much!

Help! I need detergent NOW!!!