I wonder how my brother is able to write such blog post with so much inticacy it makes me feel so inadequate. Somehow his post seems so real, so alive in a way i suppose. Sometimes I suppose I really do feel so inadequate beside my brother. So useless. Even shit has its usefulness.

Even if I were to go to a JC, I dont think I would past my first science test. It makes me wonder why I took pure science in the first place. So I would feel that I would be able to match up? To cover my lack of talents? I really dont know. Reasons that I dont care to admit even to myself. Reasons I am ashamed of.

My brother's flare in writing makes me feel like an amature. I am not even able to convey feelings onto paper properly. The words will just get jumbled up and it takes on a whole new meaning on its own. I dont even know how to put forth a stupid argument. My dad would say, use your brother for an example.

I admire my brother's dignity. His ability to somehow quench a storm or just make it milder. His ability to talk in the right way that makes everyone's eye shine with respect and admiration for him. I just feel like a babbling fool. I cant even convey my anger the right way. I really want my brother's dignity rather than have me shouting whenever things irritates me. I feel disgusted with myself, my weaknesses, my inability.

I dont hate my brother. Dont get me wrong. I really love him with all my heart for he really takes care of me and protecting me from my mother's wrath but I cant help being jealous. I hate being jealous. It's a horrible feeling. I dont like it. I want to get rid of it.