Am I stupid or what?

I can't believe I broke under the stress. Crying infront of so many people. So embarrassing! Some more my coach already told all of us not to cry infront of your team mates. Cause crying is contagious between girls.

I cried because I was so angry with myself. I have to start catching the ball properly and throw properly. Every single ball I dropped would be another 5 push ups added at the end of the day. I berated myself for every single ball I did not catched. My coach too believe in the one for all and all for one. I felt soo stress that I was the caused for the tiring push ups.

My coach tried to console me saying that I have improve alot since last year. I don't know if he is only saying that.

I feel so tired just by doing a few miserable 'squares'. I really have dropped. My coach scolded me for not running the last few miserable cm. And, yes I realised my mistakes and yet I keep doing it again. I'm okay with my coach scolding me like that. It only makes me want to work harder to prove to him that I can change. He had expectations of me that I could not meet and he was greatly disappointed. I feel bad.

Sometimes, I learn to not expect anything cause expectation kills. I will only be disappointed. I have expectations of myself as well. And sometimes, I can't meet my own expectations and I feel like shit. Useless and stupid.

But I guess with expectations, it will drive one to work hard.

I never expected her to say sorry and I did not even realised that she was mad at me. I was too caught up in my own anger at myself for being so weak. I guess it took a lot of effort to say sorry. I don't know why we have fallen out as friends. I haven't a clue. Maybe, we change and we don't like how each other have changed. A silent consent to stop being friends I suppose. But for the times that she was my friend, I was really grateful. I was happy. It gives me the strength to continue.

I guess she had a right to be angry. I mean, I would too if a weaker player is messing everything up and just causing us to fail. I would be angry. But anyway, I was really really surprised and glad nonetheless that she said sorry. Thank you. Thank you for being my friend the past 2 years and thanks for sticking by me, even as clumsy as I am. Thank you.