Sometimes, I don't know my mother's moods. One time, she would be all nice and sweet and sugary and the next she would be treatening me if I don't succumb to her will. Treatening me all the time. I feel like a caged up bird. Where is the mother I used to know? The person who do not treaten? Where is she? I hardly recognise my mother now. I yearned for my mother back, I know her no more. The person I know now is filled with bitterness and rage. A heart that does not let go that remembers the past. Hardly forgiving me, hardly forgiving herself. I feel very sad. I guess people change either for the better or for the worse.

Recently, she said lets make a fresh new beginning. I thought finally...but I thought wrong didn't I? She was the same as ever. She doen't know me and I don't know her. Last time, I would cry, when she came back late as I would imagine horrible things happening to my mother and I would try calling her handphone. I will worry for her like a child. But now, I guess I too have change. I don't really care. The later the better. I don't have to feel angry and hate myself. I just wish my mum won't use the past to shoot me. Countless of times she did it. Using my words against me. It makes me feel like shutting my big mouth. She will use my own words to trap me again. Why can't she be the mother I worry so much about last time that i cried whenever she is home late? I blame my mother for remembering the past but I too am remembering the past. Its like a forgotten dream. Faded butterflies, tears from long ago....